No Miracle, Why my faith is stronger.

[Roland Hearn]

Life is not fair, in fact today it sucks big time. I hate that God did not step in and save my friend. I have so many many well articulate reasons why God has got this wrong. I believed until the last day that God would do a miracle of healing that was beyond our ability to comprehend. Even the last time I saw Brad alive the thought went through my mind, "God is preparing for an 11th hour miracle. What an amazing story, we will get this church planted on that one single act." It didn't stay long but it was there.

He didn't do it, did He get it wrong?

No, He didn't - if not today the one day Brad would leave this earth. A miracle of healing would create dramatic focus, but how long would that last and what would God do next to keep people's interest? I sure see how Jesus struggled with that.

Life is life. It is not fair, it is a brutal, chancy, hit and miss, wonderful, amazing journey of grace. God's grace works more wonderfully in spite of circumstances than it does in changing them. I love a little more deeply today, a little more perfectly, God is working in my life.

I miss my friend more than I could have imagined. I have already counted a score of things I want to tell him next time I see him. I don't want him to be gone but God's miracle is found in overcoming my struggles, not in fixing all my problems and fears. Our separation is temporary, the work of grace in my life is permanent.

I have grown, across recent years, suspicious of constant claims of God speaking and God doing this and that, even though I make the same claims from time to time. My problem is not that God doesn't do those things but 99 times to one in my experience God doesn't change circumstances, He changes people. I know that many people can pull out any numbers of experiences to suggest otherwise but the reality is even if God worked 1000 clear miracles in a life time that would be insignificant in comparison to the moments without miracles. "My grace is sufficient for you" is what He says to Paul and now to me, not "leave it to me I'm going to change it to a better outcome for you."

I trust God more fully today than I did yesterday. The miracle would have blown me away and I would have committed myself to trusting Him more if it had come but real life is lived with infrequent miracles except for the one changing our hearts.

God is God and love must be enough.

[Hans Deventer]

Thanks for your transparency, Roland. Keeping up a mask is leading us nowhere but to fear and isolation. Being open brings healing, to yourself and to us as well, for it allows God to work through it.

I know about the rarity of miracles. I still feel God should have healed Brad for the simple fact that we need guys like him real badly. But then again, God must indeed be God, and one thing is clear, I'm not!

In recent days I've been drawn to the most used scripture verse there is, John 3:16. And sometimes I wonder, perhaps the least understood. If we can get it into our minds that God indeed "so loves the world" and can learn to trust Him because He gave his everything for us, our lives would change radically.

Even Hannie, the other day, said she had some idea of God pointing an accusing finger at her. We need to get rid of that. Our problem isn't that we aren't perfect (God and we know that we aren't), or that we haven't been told what is right and wrong (we have), our problem is that we have trouble grasping such a simple truth as John 3:16 in the face of what life has taught us to believe.

Oh man, I'm preaching :basic04 But I really, really have come to realise that the only one accusing is the adversary, the old snake. God is the one who justifies. That love will carry us through.

[Roland Hearn]

Hans that is perfectly put thank you.

Brad and I had a discussion with a young lady who was a seminary student, she was arguing for the supremacy of law. She looked us right in the eye and said, "John 3:16, now what has that got to do with love." She was absolutely serious. Brad and I looked at each other out of the corner of our eye and it was all we could do not to burst out laughing. The only thing that she could see was that verse came crashing down upon all those that did not believe as unworthy of grace - yet while not quite so startling that is the way so many times we can twist scripture to reflect our fears and prejudices rather than the truth they display.

[Marg Webb]

I miss my friend more than I could have imagined. I have already counted a score of things I want to tell him next time I see him. I don't want him to be gone but God's miracle is found in overcoming my struggles, not in fixing all my problems and fears. Our separation is temporary, the work of grace in my life is permanent.

God is God and love must be enough.

My best friend on earth after 59 years is gone too and oh how I miss him!!!!!!!!!!!!! I too turn to tell him scores of things that happened today, or what I have read in the Word and etc.
We must not think about us. We must think on the wonderful sight's, music, people and on and on and above all JESUS he has met and hugged and cried and hugged again.
We just have to let go and keep our soul grounded in our Father in heaven.
There is someone out there that is hurting in life that you must look for and help. That is a great bandage. I did not say healer. We just get stronger day by day.
PRAISE HIS NAME.!!!!!!!!!!

[Ian Gentles]

Missing someone leaves a terrible emptiness in our lives, it hits us more than we ever would have guessed.
I can see where Roland is coming from regards miracles, and if God uses pain and loss to help us grow so be it.
May God be with you Rowland.

[Barbara Moulton]

Thank you for these words Roland.

I could add nothing but a deeply felt Amen.

[Marsha Lynn]

Thank you for this post, Roland. It's not only an encouragement to the rest of us concerning the grace of God but a welcome report that you are finding comfort during your own grief and that your faith is still strong.

I miss my friend more than I could have imagined. I have already counted a score of things I want to tell him next time I see him.

I can't even come close to imagining your loss, but even here, I have missed Brad since he quit reading and responding. I often looked for his words of encouragement and have already been aware many times of the empty spot where his response would have been.

God is God and love must be enough.

I am so blessed that you can still say that with confidence. It's all right if you step back and ask hard questions and reevaluate your position. We want to allow you room to do that, even now. We will mourn with you as you mourn. But we will also rejoice with you when you rejoice. Thank you for sharing both with us.

Marsha

[David van Beveren]

We want to allow you room to do that, even now. We will mourn with you as you mourn. But we will also rejoice with you when you rejoice. Thank you for sharing both with us.
Marsha
Roland we love you. Because, as Brad was, you are dear to us.
For me it is hard to distinguish between you and Brad.
You both were kind of siamese twins adding to each others words and thoughts.
And spelling out the extravagance love of God for us so we would 'see'.
I hope and pray that you will find the strength to continue to minister to us.

But for now, my friend, mourn, mourn in the arms of a loving God.

[Gina Stevenson]

My best friend on earth after 59 years is gone too and oh how I miss him!!!!!!!!!!!!! I too turn to tell him scores of things that happened today, or what I have read in the Word and etc.

Marg, Roland, et al ... seems this is a common thing. Our mind knows, yet we don't 100% comprehend the permanency of someone's leaving us via death, I guess. Recall, too, how I'd during the day think of something I'd just "have to tell Danny" when he got home from work that day ... it's a slow weaning process from those "human habits" we've gotten into over a long period of time.

blessings everyone ....

[Mike McVey]

Roland,

Thank you for sharing this. I am jealous of your friendship. Thank you.

[Dennis M. Scott]

I usually suspect I'm a somewhat whacked when I tell people I'd rather do a funeral/memorial service than a wedding. Brad has helped me understand myself a little more. It isn't that I like death more than life: I still would prefer Brad - and others - to remain. We benefit more from a person when they are here than when they are not.

That however, is the discovery I've made just these last few hours. We are a deeply knit family - transcending age, gender, theology, culture, country, education, economics and other things. Yet there is a bond of love and caring for each other that reveals itself in all these statements, as it has developed in threads, posts and discussions - even merely reading posts ala lurking. We feel for each other and cry together . . . and we grow. In the middle of heartache and disappointment we find a common love that expands. We have grown in faith as we believed for Brad's miracle and have come to trust God even more inspite of that kind of miracle not coming. Reflecting on Brad's Message, we discover that there is a shared grief and concern for one another that is the very love Brad wanted us to know. There is an appropriate vulnerability as we confess to one another our pain of separation and confusion. We re-examine values and affirm mutual sorrow. Yet in all of this there is a very clear positive declaration - He lives!

A few years ago, at a memorial service for another loved one, at the time when persons were invited to come and say a few words, a young man tearfully came forward. I knew him well, and was aware that the deceased had been a powerful influence and help through very difficult times. I knew the young man to be shy, not especially eloquent, yet very sensitive. At first, he burst into tears and could do nothing but sob into the microphone. He began to get control and started to nod his head. The he quietly said, "Yes." He repeated that one simple word - several times, "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" He turned to the family, and with tears streaming down his face, he said one more time, "Yes." Then he walked back down the aisle and took his seat. The rest of us could hardly even breathe.

From the pain of our missing him, we affirm the life of Brad. What he said, what he believed, what he demonstrated, what he even in death showed us: this we affirm. "Yes!"

[Roland Hearn]

Thank you my friends for your responses to this post. I was thinking "out loud" when I wrote it. It actually helps to write it down and when I go back and read it, I recognise again the truths that God has been building in my life, truths that we wrote our book about now have more application then ever.

I thought about pulling back from Naznet for a couple of days, perhaps I will at some stage, but when I was pastoring my first church I had an epiphany of sorts. I recognised that it was my role as pastor not to tell people how to live a life of grace but to live it in front of them. I clearly remember the Holy Spirit guiding my spirit to understand that my pains, as was true of my life, was not my own, I was bought with a price.

He showed me that if I would live my life openly and let people see the black they would then see the light as it worked in the darkness. I have pastored that way ever since. I do as much of my own processing in my preaching as I do in my bedroom. I preach about what God is changing me from. I learned a long time ago that people in a church know more about the pastor's weaknesses then he can fool himself into thinking they do. If I'm honest about them people cut more slack, if I try to hide them a little wall goes up and ministry is less effective.

So with that in mind, I've decided I will process a lot of what I am going through here. It is a little less dynamic because the written word tends to be a much more finished product in many ways then when speaking things out but I will do my best to show you my heart.

One of the reasons I took a break from Naznet while I was planting the church in Frisco was because I was so overwhelmed with the enormity of what I was doing. I never saw myself as a church planter. The emotional energy of that time was going completely into the people I was face to face with. During that time I was aware that Brad was keeping people on Naznet up to date with where we were at and that helped me focus. I am very glad of this time period in my life before starting the next church that I have had the chance to reconnect.

I am very aware of how completely Brad complemented me. As Mike Mcvey pointed out, Brad was a lot better writer then I am and I am daunted by trying to fill a huge void on Naznet. I know there isn't an expectation of that at all but I want to try and do it. We have different focuses on how we love too. The way we would love someone together always left them feeling well loved. There are a myriad of things we would do together that in trying to complete something I just did not have to worry about whole chunks of things. I knew he knew where we were going as well as I did and I knew he knew what I wasn't going to focus on but that needed to be done and it would just get done. He is much more able to focus on details then I am, I hate them, he loved them. I always like to connect to the depths of a person's being and I become frustrated with superficiality, he could revel in it which is important too. Together we were a dynamic duo.

I feel less than half a man today. But - "My grace is sufficient for you."

[Kevin Rector]

So many of you knew Brad so much better than I did. Yet, for the time that I knew him here on Naznet I can honestly say no one has impacted me more than him and Roland. When I first became a regular poster (I've been on and off for years) I remember logging on, just hoping that Brad would have responded to one of my posts in the theology forum, and really hoping that he agreed with me.

I have mostly remained silent in the "Remembering Brad" forum. Really for no other reason than that I could not find words to express the proper way to eulogize someone who in a very short amount of time had a very profound effect on me.

I've been waiting for the right moment, the right time, the right way to share how much my friend that I never met in person meant to me.

In a few hours I will be preaching an Easter sermon, and Brad will play a significant role. I will be telling my congregation about my friend, about his struggle for life, and about his deep love for his God. I'm not sure how well I'll make it through, I'm fighting back tears even as I write this.

But this day I intend to stand with Paul, and a host of witnesses as I look to the resurrection of my Lord and shake my fist in defiant scorn at the enemy of this world and proclaim, "Where, O Death is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

Brad is gone from us, but Death has not won!!! We will be with our friend again. We will stand triumphant with our Lord. We are freed, even now, in this life to truly live because of the gracious love and power of our Lord.

I will post the link to the sermon later this evening in this thread for any who might want to hear it. If you read this before about 11:00 am central time I would just ask that you would pray for me, this will be the most challenging sermon for me to preach yet.

HE IS RISEN!
HE IS RISEN INDEED!

[Ryan Scott]

I spent most of our Easter service thinking of Mike Schutz as he said they lost two members of the congregation this week. Easter is such a wonderful promise that life is but the beginning.

In the gospel reading today it speaks of the women coming to the tomb wondering, "who will roll the stone away." They were looking for a way in, but really, we're the one's trapped in the tomb and it was Christ who rolled the stone away so we could escape the tomb of death in which we live.

It is a good day to remember that those whose lives are over and not in the tomb, but freed from it.

[Kevin Rector]

Well, it was a very moving service. I spoke of Brad and his life and death. I spoke of my grandfather and the struggles he faced being an orphan, the death of his child, and Alzheimer's. I spoke of how Christ has defeated Death and all the brokenness of this life. It was very powerful. I choked up several times. The congregation was connected to the sermon like I've never seen before. There were many tears. People asked for CDs. One person described it as an unforgettable sermon.

But I messed up and didn't record it. Best I can tell I turned off my lapel mike when I thought I was turning it on during the preaching. I was literally sick to my stomach when I realized that I would not be able to share the sermon with y'all. But know that you were in my thoughts as I was preaching, so in a way you were all there with me.

[Anne and Dwayne Hood]

On Facebook Charlotte posted something that reminded her of her dad.
A dear friend of ours went to be with Jesus last night. Dwayne's face was so contorted. They will fly him down here, and Dwayne will officiate. But, he had suffered so long, that I told Dwayne that Bob wanted to be with Jesus for Easter, and he seemed to "grab on" to that for a little comfort.

There is no way, our finite minds will ever truly comprehend what it is like in heaven when a saint has made it safely to Heanven's shore, on that old ship of Zion.

A friend ours that was with Dwayne, Tom Cook Mike Ross, etc. told about an experience he had a few years ago, when he came so close to death. He was ready to board that old ship of zion, but Jesus picked him up His arms and handed him back to the people. The people needed him to continue to preach. His family was in the front row of the large crowd of people. (P. Carroll Smith) and he tells the Hispanics in Memphis, teasingly that the P means president, but never tells us what the P really means. He is in his 70's now, and still preaching, in great revival services.

Our ways are not His ways, nor His ways our ways--but He can make us into what He wants us to be. Can you imagine, that great Homecoming Day. That is enough to shout over. Praise the Lord!

I remember when news came about Brad, I was so shook up, and wanted God to heal him. I looked across the room, and Dwayne eyes were all misted up. But, we will see him again. He may still be bowing at the feet of Jesus when we arrive.

[Hans Deventer]

I was literally sick to my stomach when I realized that I would not be able to share the sermon with y'all.

Kevin, I know the feeling. Recorded or not, I'll never be able to share any of my sermons with you all, simply because they are in Dutch.

[Ryan Scott]

Kevin, I know the feeling. Recorded or not, I'll never be able to share any of my sermons with you all, simply because they are in Dutch.


Well, you can share; it just might not be worth your time.

[Hans Deventer]

Well, you can share; it just might not be worth your time.

It's already there and I didn't do a thing about it, so don't worry. Still, it's no good for NazNet, perhaps with the exception of Tina Daling and the Dutch NazNetters, of course:

http://www.kvdndordrecht.nl/

and there's one at http://amersfoort.nazarener.nl under "Preken online"

[Kevin Rector]

It's already there and I didn't do a think about it, so don't worry. Still, it's no good for NazNet, perhaps with the exception of Tina Daling and the Dutch NazNetters, of course:

http://www.kvdndordrecht.nl/

and there's one at http://amersfoort.nazarener.nl under "Preken online"

I think that "Jesus suffered and died for us, why?" sounds like a great sermon. I think I'll give it a listen.

[Roland Hearn]

This was an unusual Easter for me in the feelings it evoked. We went to the same place for a dawn service that we went to last year. The place where we took the phbotos that were on the home page of choosing2live. It was so hard to come to grips that this time last year we were at the beginning stages of Brad's illness and thought that the worst case scenario would have him with us for two or three years and we were hoping for the best, complete healing, as if that was the most likely outcome.

The past 12 months have torn at the very fabric of all I believe but because of that I still believe pretty much exactly as I did 18 months ago when Brad and Karen first turned up on our shores with so much hope and destiny. We are almost in sight of being able to announce the effective birth of our church but I am keenly aware that there will always be an empty spot in its history. It is almost as difficult to recognise that Brad is gone from this earth forever today as it was when he first past. I keep thinking he has gone home for a couple of months and will be back soon. The one thing that keeps me pointed in the right direction, outside of the direct presence of grace, his the certainty that Brad's life will be best eulogized in the lives of those impacted by his desire to be a transformed individual and a transforming agent. There will be people that knew him deeply, heard him speak, read his writings, knew him casually, were touched by people he impacted and people that never hear of him that are impacted by the resolutions of those that were touched by his life, that will thank him for his life when they reach glory. Thanks for reminding us of that Kevin.