Do we touch, is it wrong?

[Ian Gentles]

Been off and on reading a book by an English Christian doctor on depression. He brought up subject of touching, an arm round a shoulder, hand on arm, well simply physical contact with depressed, or emotionally upset person. He does say, and i agree, Brits are very held back people, we really dont do the emotional hugs thing very well. He also said, that today many feared touching in case it was seen in some sexual way.
But how important is touching? Is it right/helpful, or is it wrong?

[Gina Stevenson]

Been off and on reading a book by an English Christian doctor on depression. He brought up subject of touching, an arm round a shoulder, hand on arm, well simply physical contact with depressed, or emotionally upset person. He does say, and i agree, Brits are very held back people, we really dont do the emotional hugs thing very well. He also said, that today many feared touching in case it was seen in some sexual way.
But how important is touching? Is it right/helpful, or is it wrong?

Well, considering that the first thing that came to mind, when you asked if it was OK, was that horrible experiment we've heard of for the last how-many decades where they touched certain orphans in this orphanage, and made sure they did not touch others, tho' their basic needs were also attended to. Those lacking touch did not fare well ... some even died.

So, bottom line, touch is important ... tho' definitely the right kind only.

[Genevieve Boller]

I recently saw a tidbit of a movie (something Disney I think) where the lady, an older British woman in a large estate, was talking to a young American girl and said something like,

"We're British--we only show affection to dogs and horses."

I laughed out loud. :laughing Based on the side of my family that hails from British ancestry, I'd say that was about right!

Seriously, though, touching is VERY important to us - even Brits. Humans are social creatures that thrive on contact from other people. Numerous studies have been done on this subject and all point to the importance of touch. Babies will not develop properly without it. Elderly patients in nursing homes will decline in health rapidly without regular touch. I think there are societies that suffer greatly from this lack of affection.

This reminds me of a verse in a song by one of my favorite bands of all time... "Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way..." (Pink Floyd)

I think that quiet desperation could be all but dispelled with a proper amount of true affection.

Now, come visit us in Texas, Ian, so I can give you a big ole American-style hug! :basic05 :q)

[Gina Stevenson]

I think that quiet desperation could be all but dispelled with a proper amount of true affection.
Amen to this, Genevieve. :cool:

[Gina Stevenson]

Amen to this, Genevieve. :cool:



NOTE TO SCOTT: [been thinking weeks/months(?) re asking this, so will now, since I highlighted Amen with another color: since purple-lovers tend to like a deep purple, could we please have that darker purple as the purple-text option, rather than the nearly violet (redder) purple that's the only purplish option now? 'just a tho't ... thanks!]

came back to change the intro to highlight the color difference within the request post. ;)

[Ian Gentles]

In purest way I think it helps. However having said that, apart from family, more realistically my wife, I have never had an arm round my shoulder etc. I really don't know what i would do if it happened? Burst into tears?

[Gary Swartzlander]

In purest way I think it helps. However having said that, apart from family, more realistically my wife, I have never had an arm round my shoulder etc. I really don't know what i would do if it happened? Burst into tears?

Brother, in recent months, I'm guessing that the one thing that probably would have made a big difference for you is if we could have reached across the miles and wrapped our arms around you and given you a hug.

It took some learning I guess, but hugs from people in our church are a great thing to receive and better to give.

[Ian Gentles]

Brother, in recent months, I'm guessing that the one thing that probably would have made a big difference for you is if we could have reached across the miles and wrapped our arms around you and given you a hug.

It took some learning I guess, but hugs from people in our church are a great thing to receive and better to give.

Yes it would have, but sincerely felt the love sent to me, which meant an awfull lot!

PS Is your son still actively playing baseball? Have honestly wondered!

[DA Weaver]

My husband and I went to some type of Marriage enrichment type thingy several years ago. I don't recall who the speaker was, possibly Gary Sivwright (sp?), but they said that a person requires 21 meaningful touches a day. Meaning 21 "I love you", "I care about you", etc... type touches to improve one's health. lol, and he wasn't talking about those lovely "touches" parents sometimes give to their children to lovingly correct them on the behind. ;)

[Ian Gentles]

My husband and I went to some type of Marriage enrichment type thingy several years ago. I don't recall who the speaker was, possibly Gary Sivwright (sp?), but they said that a person requires 21 meaningful touches a day. Meaning 21 "I love you", "I care about you", etc... type touches to improve one's health. lol, and he wasn't talking about those lovely "touches" parents sometimes give to their children to lovingly correct them on the behind. ;)

We British Christians are defiantly none touching people, i feel we miss out. Your post also challenges me as to how often i touch my wife in a loving gentle way, probably not enough.

[DA Weaver]

We British Christians are defiantly none touching people, i feel we miss out. Your post also challenges me as to how often i touch my wife in a loving gentle way, probably not enough.

It probably wasn't Dr. Sivewright... I just did a quick google on him, and his name's in my head from college... I'll have to ask my husband who we saw/heard because I don't remember.

[Tami Martin]

It really saddens me in America, with how sexualized our culture has become, that we can't touch each other without "misunderstandings."

We don't touch children and it's disastrous for their mental health. I'm not talking about our own children, but the kids in our churches, classrooms, neighborhoods. Hugs, pats on the back, those sorts of things.

We don't touch each other enough. However, working in a mental health center, I feel fortunate to have a group of ladies in my team who are all hug-happy. If I'm having a bad day, or if I've had some sort of victory, I know where to go to get a good hug.

I remember being in college as a returning adult student and going whole days - after dropping my son off at my mothers until I returned in the evening to pick him up - that I would neither talk to or touch another human being. Those were very bleak days.

[Barbara Moulton]

It really saddens me in America, with how sexualized our culture has become, that we can't touch each other without "misunderstandings."

We don't touch children and it's disastrous for their mental health. I'm not talking about our own children, but the kids in our churches, classrooms, neighborhoods. Hugs, pats on the back, those sorts of things.

We don't touch each other enough. However, working in a mental health center, I feel fortunate to have a group of ladies in my team who are all hug-happy. If I'm having a bad day, or if I've had some sort of victory, I know where to go to get a good hug.

I remember being in college as a returning adult student and going whole days - after dropping my son off at my mothers until I returned in the evening to pick him up - that I would neither talk to or touch another human being. Those were very bleak days.

It's interesting...I never hesitate to hug someone who needs it. I spent time with my arms around a stranger today at the hospital.

But when I am sad I am not inclined to want a hug. Just a gentle touch on my arm of sympathy is more than enough for me.

Weird eh?

[Scott Hilton]

I think one of the hardest things for me to get used to after I started coming to church was hugging. I have always loved hugging my wife and daughter, but outside of that.....not so much. Especially when it came to giving a hug to another guy. I have come to love hugging people in church now...well I am still getting used to hugging guys....

blessings

[Barbara Moulton]

But how important is touching? Is it right/helpful, or is it wrong?

Touching is very important and very helpful.

I am a little uncomfortable with the idea that sometimes gets stated...that "everybody needs a hug". Maybe on some level they do but many people don't want a hug and we need to respect that.

[DA Weaver]

I'm curious, is it just me, or does sometimes a meaningful e-mail / note / message from a friend give you the same feeling inside that a hug does? No, there's not the physical touch there, but there are days when I get a note, or message, or something that just brings me to tears, and reminds me that I'm a child of God, and that even though the person who's so far away from me isn't physically capable of giving me a hug, they've sent me a cyber hug, and I'm reminded once again that someone loves me, and someone cares about me and about what I'm going through. Sometimes it honestly sends me into tears.

Anyone else ever have that happen?

[Barbara Moulton]

I'm curious, is it just me, or does sometimes a meaningful e-mail / note / message from a friend give you the same feeling inside that a hug does? No, there's not the physical touch there, but there are days when I get a note, or message, or something that just brings me to tears, and reminds me that I'm a child of God, and that even though the person who's so far away from me isn't physically capable of giving me a hug, they've sent me a cyber hug, and I'm reminded once again that someone loves me, and someone cares about me and about what I'm going through. Sometimes it honestly sends me into tears.

Anyone else ever have that happen?

Actually...and I want to be really careful how I say this. There are times when I would prefer a note, card or message or even silent presence....to a hug.

"You need a hug," followed by one can almost be the easy way out. Sitting, listening, being patient with whatever is pouring out of someone's heart...saying an appropriate word now and then....this can be far more difficult.

I've seen power in chaplaincy in the "less is more" approach to touching. There is a sacredness in simply with being someone in sorrow that could be interrupted by giving out hugs.

You listen, you respond, you pray and for touch you place your hand gently on theirs or on their arm.

And, sometimes, if you have earned their trust...they will turn to you for an embrace as you leave. And those are the hugs that are meaningful.

[Tami Martin]

Maybe a "hug" is shorthand for "you need some intimacy."

We all need it. Some need more, some less. But I do think that touch, in whatever form, is necessary for our mental health.

[Mike Schutz]

It probably wasn't Dr. Sivewright... I just did a quick google on him, and his name's in my head from college... I'll have to ask my husband who we saw/heard because I don't remember.

Gary Sivewright is the VP for Spiritual Development at MVNU. The quote is certainly the type of thing Gary would say.

[Bill Evans]

In my graduate training for counseling, this discussion came up one evening. The rule of thumb that was suggested pertained to who would benefit more from the touch--the hugger or the huggee. The only time I have ever touched a female client in any way has always been in the waiting room at the office where the receptionist would be a witness. To do so in private behind the closed door of the counselor's office would be considered unethical. Also, some of the classroom discussion was in regards to being too quick to give a hug, Sometimes a client needs to be able to feel their pain before they can begin to heal and a too-quick hug might inhibit that healing process.

[Glenda Harvey]

I find that there are some people I am very comfortable hugging and others who I don't feel at all comfortable giving a hug to. It isn't always based on how well I know a person. Some people just seem more huggable than others.

[DA Weaver]

Gary Sivewright is the VP for Spiritual Development at MVNU. The quote is certainly the type of thing Gary would say.

Perhaps, but it wasn't in a MVNU setting. It was downtown Columbus, Ohio at a convention. He could have been the speaker, but I don't think he was.

[Marg Webb]

In purest way I think it helps. However having said that, apart from family, more realistically my wife, I have never had an arm round my shoulder etc. I really don't know what i would do if it happened? Burst into tears?

Oh Ian, come on over to the States, we are the biggest huggers ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wilson L. Deaton]

..well I am still getting used to hugging guys....

It seems to me that this very reticence for we guys to hug guys speaks to the idea that we have sexualized hugs.... That is, if it didn't have a sexual connotation, we guys wouldn't be uncomfortable hugging other guys.

Personally, I will receive hugs and hug back (and they don't bother me) but I would almost never initiate one...

Wilson

[Scott Hilton]

It seems to me that this very reticence for we guys to hug guys speaks to the idea that we have sexualized hugs.... That is, if it didn't have a sexual connotation, we guys wouldn't be uncomfortable hugging other guys.

Personally, I will receive hugs and hug back (and they don't bother me) but I would almost never initiate one...

Wilson
Well, I do realize and have to acknowledge that some of that comes from my upbringing. The males in my family, simply did not hug each other. Both my grandfathers were hard nosed blue collar workers in Western PA and they were not known for being softies (I don't mean that softy is bad either). It is gradually breaking down through the generations. I for one, love giving hugs to my wife. She had a rough upbringing and I know she missed a lot of that loving touch, so I sometimes try to make sure she gets more than enough from me. :basic05

The male part, I probably am like you. I don't usually initiate it unless it is the semi-hug where you are still shaking each others hand at the same time. There are a few exceptions though, a few guys that just have a beautiful spirit and I just don't think twice about giving them a good hug....so I guess I am helping breaking my family tradition.

blessings

[Wilson L. Deaton]

The male part, I probably am like you. I don't usually initiate it....

Actually, the second part of my reply, the part about me not initiating is applies to both male and female..... I am just typically not a hug-initiator.

Wilson

[DA Weaver]

It seems to me that this very reticence for we guys to hug guys speaks to the idea that we have sexualized hugs.... That is, if it didn't have a sexual connotation, we guys wouldn't be uncomfortable hugging other guys.

Personally, I will receive hugs and hug back (and they don't bother me) but I would almost never initiate one...

Wilson

It's funny, I don't generally hug guys my age, but won't hold back on hugging someone who's old enough to be my dad. IF I hug someone my age, it's because they've either just gotten married, had a baby, are moving / leaving and we don't expect to see them for a long time, or they're family. Other than that, I don't really hug guys my age. Those hugs are reserved for special occasions.

Although if I were to meet up with an old friend, I would probably initiate a hug, but that would only be because I hadn't seen them in years, like I hugged a guy we grew up with last spring. He was one of my husband's best friends growing up, and someone I hadn't seen in nearly 15 years.

I don't think I've EVER hugged my best friend's husband. Come to think about it, the only friend's husband that I do recall hugging is old enough to be my dad, is a close family friend, and is like a parental roll model for my husband and I.

[Ian Gentles]

I originally was thinking of when a person is emotionally suffering.

[Mike Schutz]

I am not a good giver and receiver of hugs, but I have had to learn how since become a pastor of a very "hugging" congregation.

However, I am a toucher. I touch hands, touch shoulders. I walk through our preschool and cannot get through without receiving hugs from many children, and I touch them on the head.

Early in my career, as a counselor, I tried to follow the "cognitive" therapeutic techniques of my training. Then, after several years, I realized that I had been using that technique, and that I initially took that training, because it fed into my own neuroses. I was perfectly comfortable dealing with everything in my life on the cognitive plane - while not acknowledging the powerful role of emotions in my life. I was like the teacher who only taught to his own learning style.

I set out to re-learn how to become a counselor, and in the process became a bit more healthy in dealing with emotions. One practical, behavioral result is that I became more of a toucher. When appropriate, I would touch the hands and arms of students - occasionally give hugs - and pray for them by touching them on the shoulders.

The end result, in my opinion, was that I became a better counselor, and students knew that I cared.

I'm still not all that comfortable giving and receiving hugs - but I believe that they are absolutely necessary for health.

[Barbara Moulton]

I originally was thinking of when a person is emotionally suffering.

That's why I tried to zero in on this. I think touch is very important when someone is emotionally suffering. Hugs are not always appropriate though.

[Tami Martin]

I originally was thinking of when a person is emotionally suffering.

But if a hug is not something that's been helpful to you in good times, why would you turn to it in a time of distress?

[Ian Gentles]

But if a hug is not something that's been helpful to you in good times, why would you turn to it in a time of distress?

Good question. Maybe at bad times we need physical touch, like hand on shoulder when one is praying for a person. I dont think I would want hugged, but you never know! If the touch, whatever it be, is sincere empathy i feel it would count for a lot.

[Gina Stevenson]

We British Christians are defiantly none touching people, i feel we miss out. Your post also challenges me as to how often i touch my wife in a loving gentle way, probably not enough.

Well, then, better get going, Ian! ;)

Maybe a "hug" is shorthand for "you need some intimacy."

We all need it. Some need more, some less. But I do think that touch, in whatever form, is necessary for our mental health.

Amen! Have missed that everyday thing so much since being widowed. Yes, there are hugs out there at church, et cetera, but not so daily as it was in marriage.

Good question. Maybe at bad times we need physical touch, like hand on shoulder when one is praying for a person ...................

Or perhaps, Ian, sometimes this physical touch in good times---not being reserve only for the bad times of which you speak above---will help one avoid some of those "bad (emotionally) times" [thinking now of those "just hold me" times that I so much miss].

[Tami Martin]

Gina, there's an older widowed lady in my church that I make a beeline for whenever it's "shake hands with the people around you" time. She gives the best hugs!

[Ian Gentles]

I actualy hate "Shake hands with the people around you" time

[Tami Martin]

Okay, Ian. I confess. I like my hugs from my friend, but I don't care for that one either. There are usually a few that I get hugs from. For me, though, it has much more to do with social anxiety than from not liking hugs or handshakes.

[Hans Deventer]

I actualy hate "Shake hands with the people around you" time

Same here.

[Gina Stevenson]

Gina, there's an older widowed lady in my church that I make a beeline for whenever it's "shake hands with the people around you" time. She gives the best hugs!

Hey! Watch it, Tami! Who you callin' old, anyway, huh!? :laughing

'Know what you mean, tho' I'm not "older" ... like my hugs ... givin' & gettin' 'em. But I do agree that one must be careful whom they hug & how.

[Tami Martin]

Hey! Watch it, Tami! Who you callin' old, anyway, huh!? :laughing

'Know what you mean, tho' I'm not "older" ... like my hugs ... givin' & gettin' 'em. But I do agree that one must be careful who they hug & how.

:laughing

I said "older" to differentiate her from you, of course!

[Genevieve Boller]

I actualy hate "Shake hands with the people around you" time

I don't like it either. And my husband doesn't either, and he's a huge extrovert.

BUT, I think it's important we do it, because otherwise people slip in and out of church on Sundays without really connecting with anyone (based on 2 churches we regularly attended that didn't have this time). There's something about "mandatory friendliness" that forces us to connect and we all as a community and family of faith are better for it.

It reminds me of the "mandatory fun" my husband and his peers had to participate in when he was in the Navy. Few wanted to go to these events, but it was crucial to the morale of the fleet.

[Wilson L. Deaton]

Are hugs appropriate or inappropriate? At least one school district seems to have found the solution to this dilema: The two-second rule. Hugs for two seconds or less are OK, but longer hugs are out.

http://www.kpho.com/news/15456156/detail.html

Wilson

[Gina Stevenson]

Are hugs appropriate or inappropriate? At least one school district seems to have found the solution to this dilema: The two-second rule. Hugs for two seconds or less are OK, but longer hugs are out.

http://www.kpho.com/news/15456156/detail.html

Wilson

Well, I'd guess that they'd not actually get in trouble for a hug or two that goes a bit longer than the specified two seconds. That just seems a guideline, only portraying the intent that hugs are not to be the body-grabbing-hanging-on-forever sorts of things I'd call more than just a mere hug. Considering how some kids can hang on each other [or, older than kids, even] in public, setting a [figurative] time limit may not be all that bad of an idea. But as for the "NO hugs" to avoid the body-grabbers ... don't agree with that one, either.