Nelson Bradford
22nd May 2008, 04:19 AM (04:19)
by Mitch Albom
Knight-Ridder Newspapers
Let us deal today with a timely sports question. How do you choose a company
softball team?
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are 25
tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team. I emphasize the
word winning, which is not the same as wearing a sweatshirt and waking up with a
hangover. Ready?
1) Never pick the boss.
2) Never pick the boss' secretary.
3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department. If there is no Vinny, pick Frank.
No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some other shipping
department, and Vinny will know another Vinny. Or Eddie. So you end up
with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny,
or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie. This, by the way, is your starting outfield..
4) Never pick a Seth.
5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio on his
shoulder, grab him.
6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow
7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams? We are?
8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically. At least on my
team.
9) Take any player with his own ice chest. (If you do not understand this, I
am not going to explain. You should join the company racquetball league
instead, where they drink Perrier.)
10) No vice presidents.
11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove. Batting gloves do nothing.
Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so the owner of the
sporting goods store can take his wife to France.
12) Anyone with a tattoo starts.
13) Two tattoos bats cleanup.
14) Important tip: look at the glove. If it is ratty and frayed and has masking
tape all over it, you want the guy. If it is shiny and orange and is signed
by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.
15) If he owns spikes, he's in.
16) Never take the boss. I know we covered this already. I don't want you to
forget.
17) Another important tip: look at the car. As a general rule, people who drive
Volkswagens make good softball players. I don't know why this is. I
have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a Chrysler New Yorker.
Ever.
18) No more than four players with glasses.
19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your shortstop.
But only if that's his real name. Have him bring a birth certificate. I
mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right? You want the guy whose
parents thought it up.
20) Pick someone with spare bats.
21) Get at least one person from sales. Even if he or she can't play, at least
you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are planning.
22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious. Someone who will say to a
batter, "Hey. If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with it."
23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS! Just a reminder.
24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers. I don't trust them.
25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign her up. Don't worry
about her average.
So there you have it.
Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball trophy
and go the awards dinner.
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise only
two things: Pick your boss. And let him play shortstop.
Knight-Ridder Newspapers
Let us deal today with a timely sports question. How do you choose a company
softball team?
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are 25
tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team. I emphasize the
word winning, which is not the same as wearing a sweatshirt and waking up with a
hangover. Ready?
1) Never pick the boss.
2) Never pick the boss' secretary.
3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department. If there is no Vinny, pick Frank.
No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some other shipping
department, and Vinny will know another Vinny. Or Eddie. So you end up
with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny,
or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie. This, by the way, is your starting outfield..
4) Never pick a Seth.
5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio on his
shoulder, grab him.
6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow
7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams? We are?
8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically. At least on my
team.
9) Take any player with his own ice chest. (If you do not understand this, I
am not going to explain. You should join the company racquetball league
instead, where they drink Perrier.)
10) No vice presidents.
11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove. Batting gloves do nothing.
Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so the owner of the
sporting goods store can take his wife to France.
12) Anyone with a tattoo starts.
13) Two tattoos bats cleanup.
14) Important tip: look at the glove. If it is ratty and frayed and has masking
tape all over it, you want the guy. If it is shiny and orange and is signed
by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.
15) If he owns spikes, he's in.
16) Never take the boss. I know we covered this already. I don't want you to
forget.
17) Another important tip: look at the car. As a general rule, people who drive
Volkswagens make good softball players. I don't know why this is. I
have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a Chrysler New Yorker.
Ever.
18) No more than four players with glasses.
19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your shortstop.
But only if that's his real name. Have him bring a birth certificate. I
mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right? You want the guy whose
parents thought it up.
20) Pick someone with spare bats.
21) Get at least one person from sales. Even if he or she can't play, at least
you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are planning.
22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious. Someone who will say to a
batter, "Hey. If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with it."
23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS! Just a reminder.
24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers. I don't trust them.
25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign her up. Don't worry
about her average.
So there you have it.
Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball trophy
and go the awards dinner.
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise only
two things: Pick your boss. And let him play shortstop.