Debi Peck
1st January 2006, 11:25 PM (23:25)
As I was thinking about what resolution to make for the New Year, I was leaning toward resolving to "seek God." Don't get me wrong; I am a committed Christian, and am living a life surrendered to Christ. What I'm talking about is seeking a closer, more intimate relationship with Him. As I began thinking about this, I was confronted with the question, "What would 'seeking God' look like in my day to day life, and how would I know if I've achieved my objective?"
The first thing that came to my mind was my experience "seeking God" during high school and then at Bible college--especially at Bible college. I remember lots of messages about seeking God and many of them involved "finding your Isaac," in other words, finding what God would have you give up in order to draw closer to Him. I remember many hours "seeking God", lots of times flat on my face begging Him to reveal to me something that He wanted me to give up so I could have a closer relationship with Him. For a couple of years, it was all the rage at Bible college--giving up stuff, like fancy hairstyles, specific types of clothes, even food, and I was determined that whatever God required of me, I would gladly do it. My heart's deepest desire was to know God more fully and to have a deep relationship with Him.
The problem was that all my "seeking God" accomplished nothing. I begged and pleaded with Him to show me ANYTHING that I could do for Him. He never showed me one single thing. And, no matter how hard I begged and pleaded, I didn't feel His presence any nearer.
After high school and then Bible college--all those years of seeking--I was left feeling empty and no closer to my goal. At some point in there, I decided that I must have committed the "unpardonable sin" and that's why God wouldn't answer me. To make a long story short, "seeking God" finally resulted in a nervous breakdown within just a few short weeks of graduating from Bible college. I remember many times huddled in a ball at the end of my hallway, gasping out, "If I can't have a relationship with God, I don't want to live."
It took several years, years of depression and severe phobias where I couldn't go anywhere by myself, etc., and years of going to church with people who extended grace and unconditional love, before I was able to start on the road to healing. Even at that point, it took God's direct healing in my life before I was able to realize that He had been right there all along and I had "found Him" many years before, but just hadn't recognized that fact.
I say all that to say this: Every time I am faced with the prospect of "seeking God," I am taken immediately back to those years. I still don't understand all that took place. It seems to me that God could have found some way to reach down into that broken desperate person that I was and let me know that He was there. I still don't understand the years of silence. Perhaps it's because, as I already said, He was there but I couldn't recognize Him because of my preconceived notions of what I thought "finding God" would look like.
There are still long months of silence, and I become almost desperate for Him to "show Himself to me." There are times where I almost become driven again to "seek God" because I feel so far away from Him, even though I'm completely given to Him. My hunger for Him almost overwhelms me at times.
But, I can't go back down the road I went before. I KNOW He has promised that if we confess our sins, He will forgive and cleanse us. I KNOW He has promised that His righteousness is fully sufficient for my salvation, and I am trusting fully in Him. I just wish I could figure out a way to seek Him--better yet, a way of better recognizing His presence in my life.
The first thing that came to my mind was my experience "seeking God" during high school and then at Bible college--especially at Bible college. I remember lots of messages about seeking God and many of them involved "finding your Isaac," in other words, finding what God would have you give up in order to draw closer to Him. I remember many hours "seeking God", lots of times flat on my face begging Him to reveal to me something that He wanted me to give up so I could have a closer relationship with Him. For a couple of years, it was all the rage at Bible college--giving up stuff, like fancy hairstyles, specific types of clothes, even food, and I was determined that whatever God required of me, I would gladly do it. My heart's deepest desire was to know God more fully and to have a deep relationship with Him.
The problem was that all my "seeking God" accomplished nothing. I begged and pleaded with Him to show me ANYTHING that I could do for Him. He never showed me one single thing. And, no matter how hard I begged and pleaded, I didn't feel His presence any nearer.
After high school and then Bible college--all those years of seeking--I was left feeling empty and no closer to my goal. At some point in there, I decided that I must have committed the "unpardonable sin" and that's why God wouldn't answer me. To make a long story short, "seeking God" finally resulted in a nervous breakdown within just a few short weeks of graduating from Bible college. I remember many times huddled in a ball at the end of my hallway, gasping out, "If I can't have a relationship with God, I don't want to live."
It took several years, years of depression and severe phobias where I couldn't go anywhere by myself, etc., and years of going to church with people who extended grace and unconditional love, before I was able to start on the road to healing. Even at that point, it took God's direct healing in my life before I was able to realize that He had been right there all along and I had "found Him" many years before, but just hadn't recognized that fact.
I say all that to say this: Every time I am faced with the prospect of "seeking God," I am taken immediately back to those years. I still don't understand all that took place. It seems to me that God could have found some way to reach down into that broken desperate person that I was and let me know that He was there. I still don't understand the years of silence. Perhaps it's because, as I already said, He was there but I couldn't recognize Him because of my preconceived notions of what I thought "finding God" would look like.
There are still long months of silence, and I become almost desperate for Him to "show Himself to me." There are times where I almost become driven again to "seek God" because I feel so far away from Him, even though I'm completely given to Him. My hunger for Him almost overwhelms me at times.
But, I can't go back down the road I went before. I KNOW He has promised that if we confess our sins, He will forgive and cleanse us. I KNOW He has promised that His righteousness is fully sufficient for my salvation, and I am trusting fully in Him. I just wish I could figure out a way to seek Him--better yet, a way of better recognizing His presence in my life.