Your funeral plans

[Curt Crawford]

My parents neighbor passed away last weekend and he was not a Christian. He wanted a simple memorial service at the local town hall and following that my dad took some of his family out on the lake they lived on and they scattered his ashes in the lake. No grave, markers, or anything else left behind.

It made me think, what do other people around the US and the world do regarding funerals? In many areas of the US there is some sort of annual family gatherings or memorial weekend where people remember those who have past and go visit gravesides as a group.

But for many in the US, we've moved away from where our home towns and are spread out. I know my parents, who are both alive, will be buried in their hometown (which they left in 1960) and us kids will almost never visit their graves, but maybe local relatives or friends will (it is about 300 miles from where we live and not on the way to anything else).

My wife and I were talking about this. She lost her mother almost 15 years ago and also does not every visit her graveside since it is 300 miles away and we never travel to that area anymore.

So, we are both thinking that cremation and scattering ashes in some sort of loving way is a good way to go. What really is left behind when we pass is the impact we have on the lives of others. Is there any Christian traditions that this comes into conflict with? What is the purpose of having the body in an actual grave and possibly not located close to any family within a few years?

Just curious as to opinions on this topic.

Thanks,
Curt

[Mark Metcalfe]

Hi Curt,

I agree with your sentiments that what is left is the impact a person has. The grave of Paul Revere in Boston is a tourist marker, but only because of his fame. Think about all those other people in the Granary Cemetery (http://www.nsrider.com/gallerymain/cemeteries/granary1.htm). Who were they?

I suppose if you're tracing your family tree, a stone is sometimes a record. Some people find comfort in a marker, a place, or even a time to come together, and as long as it helps the living, having such things are not a waste. But as it regards the memory of those who pass before us, that responsibility is on each of us. (I heard a sermon on "the dash" which is what is between the birth date and death date, representing what you do and who you were.)

I actually like walking through old cemeteries, to think about some of the people there who are not remembered. The picture below is a marker at Burgh Castle in England. I took it because it was warn away by the elements and overgrown (note the white marker in the background nearly swallowed up).

Mark

[Jeremy D. Scott]

I've really enjoyed this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHzcHW-xNC8

It was written by Julie Miller, and has been done by a number of artists, but was introduced to me by Jars of Clay.

Many funeral themes focus on the "being with Jesus" aspect of death. This song certainly acknowledges somehow being in the "arms" (for me, better would be "memory") of God, but the important part to me is an emphasis on resurrection - the raising of the body again.

I've mentioned it's playing at my funeral to my wife (which she's not a big fan of talking about!). The chorus is in italics, but my favorite part is in bold:

When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus' face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name.

Gold and silver blind the eye
Temporary riches lie
Come and eat from heaven's store,
Come and drink, and thirst no more

It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends,
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.


Oh, so to answer your question, Curt, I don't think I really care. Though Lake Champlain sounds nice.

[Barbara Moulton]

I think cremation is much more common in Canada than it is in the States. I would say about 50% of the funerals I do involve cremation.

I think I would like to be cremated. But before that I want a GOOD funeral with lots of stories told and music that I have chosen and some really good tributes. :)

I'm worth it. LOL

[David Parker]

I believe even the Catholic church has now approved cremation. Don't know about Orthodox.

We had 'the talk' before my recent surgery. I chose a memorial service and cremation with the ashes spread from our sailboat in my favorite sailing lake.

Thankfully I'm still here to discuss it. :)

And Jeremy, I had never heard that song. Have listened to Jars of Clay, Julie Miller's and Selah's versions. I liked Selah's version the best. Love it and would love to have that in my service.

Geez, I hope I'm far too young to be thinking about this....I just asked my wife as she wondered into my office. She just rolled her eyes and said she has never thought about it.

Guess I get to do what I want if she goes first....:basic03

[Jon Twitchell]

Interestingly enough, it appears (http://www.cdom.org/departments/cemeteries/cremations.htm) that while the Catholic church permits cremation, it is not preferred, and scattering of remains is not permitted.

As far as I know, however, Eastern Orthodox do not permit cremation.

[Barbara Moulton]

Guess I get to do what I want if she goes first....:basic03

All joking aside, after officiating at many, many funerals I have come to the firm conviction that, while it is nice to keep the dearly departed's wishes in mind...ultimately the funeral is more for those who are left behind. I urge the family to think of what they need to feel they have honoured the life of the one who has gone but also to find some comfort for themselves.

It's easy for some to say, "Just stick me in a hole with no ceremony." But that might leave many uncomforted relatives behind.

I have told my family what I would like, but ultimately, I am going to be gone and it is up to them.

[Dana Grant]

All joking aside, after officiating at many, many funerals I have come to the firm conviction that, while it is nice to keep the dearly departed's wishes in mind...ultimately the funeral is more for those who are left behind. I urge the family to think of what they need to feel they have honoured the life of the one who has gone but also to find some comfort for themselves.

It's easy for some to say, "Just stick me in a hole with no ceremony." But that might leave many uncomforted relatives behind.

I have told my family what I would like, but ultimately, I am going to be gone and it is up to them.

I'll never forget the conversation we had with my aunt......
She mentioned one time that she didn't care what they did at her funeral.......

"Except don't bury me wearing something yellow. I look so dead in yellow."

At which time everyone broke out in tears with laughter!!!

..............

You know, I really do have a serious side in real life. You just don't get to see it here very often.....

:::::::sigh::::::::

[Barbara Moulton]

I have given my family one warning. In our area there are these huge mausoleums which are hugely expensive. I told my family that if they went to that expense then I would come back and haunt them. :)

[Mark Metcalfe]

My family can put a fake nose and glasses (or a clown's nose) on my body. I've suggested that they can take my body out into international waters and recycle me. The markers I prefer to leave behind are pictures and words, not granite and grass.

Mark

[Nelson Bradford]

My wife and I have made all our funeral plans - purchased/paid for our caskets/vaults/opening and closing plus our grave markers are already in place - waiting for the dates of departure.

:)

[Barb Bouldrey]

Since we will be buried in our home state of Ohio, we feel it is smartest to be cremated....and it is much cheaper.

We do not have a lot of life insurance and do not want Stephen paying for any part of our funeral.

I would like Stephen to be able to say Goodbye to us, if possible. My dad was cremated before I got to the graveside service. That was a very hard experience.

John's mother will soon be 89. When we see her next week we are sitting down and planning her funeral...at her request. We have gotten the arrangement form from the funeral home and once we fill it out we have an appointment Tuesday at the funeral home. If she wants to go along, she can even pick out her casket.

We have become too wrapped in tradition when it comes to funerals....just like we become too attached to traditions in church, in weddings and in all areas of life.

Barb

[Gina Stevenson]

This is something that is not/never has been discussed here. Only learned a bit ago that both ma & dad "decided" that cremation was the way to go, but have they told us? No! They wouldn't know we knew yet, had I not overheard it.

Oh, yeah ... and if there are some "arrangements" already made somewhere, and they've some papers somewhere, we've no idea where; they'd probably be found after people had already borrowed $$ to handle things somewhere, b/c you don't search a house for a month and then do something. However, if one were to ever bring it up, the one bringing it up so they'd have some idea of what to do would be accused of trying to hurry up the process. It's hard for the whole family when it seems "denial" is/has been the way of handling much of life about so many things.

Which reminds me ... the other day someone was saying on the radio how it's good to involve your kids in your financial dealings, so they learn how to handle $$$. Well, this was one of those families where it was all "top secret!" stuff that kids were not supposed to know ... guess who, of course, had to learn by trial & error after leaving "home" how to do things right? (but then I'm sure I'm not the only one)

[Jim Franklin]

I have a funeral plan policy to pay for whatever the family wishes but as I stated in answer to Nelson's post my cadaver is donated to the NNU School of Nursing. I'll be there for instructional purposes even if I never made it to the faculty.

[Karen Mercer]

Cremation for me, too. Brad wanted to be cremated and we had his ashes put in 2 containers, one to stay in Australia and one to go back to Texas. There are plans to scatter his ashes in the permanent sites of both of the churches we helped start. He'd enjoy knowing he's both physically as well as spiritually a part of the 2 NewStarts that he had such a heart for.

[Sheya Stephens]

My father in law passed away 2 years ago and was cremated. MY mother in law knew that she wasn't going to stay in Denver but move to Boise with us. So dad 'came' with her. However, it is against Catholic policy to not have a 'permanent' home. So she bought a nitche ($1900!!!!) and we had a dedication service and placed him in his nitche last month. After the service, my husband and I looked at eachother and said cremating and sprinkling us somewhere is the only option!!!

[Dennis M. Scott]

The cost to recently acquire a nitche for mom was twice that, with an itemization that included a line item of $1900 "right to inter" listing. This was in addition to maintenance, record keeping, processing fee, and an urn that we had to purchase from them, even though we already had another. Little wonder that often families don't even go to the funeral home to retrieve cremains. Another peculiar thing was that we were allowed to pay upon retrieval. It seems to me that this industry hasn't really adjusted to cremation.

Having pastored a church with an "active" cemetery, I happen to know that all these charges are totally unnecessary. Present practices are going to increase animosity toward an already unpopular industry.

Obviously, I have no personal opinion! :rolleyes:

[Gina Stevenson]

The cost to recently acquire a nitche for mom was twice that, with an itemization that included a line item of $1900 "right to inter" listing. This was in addition to maintenance, record keeping, processing fee, and an urn that we had to purchase from them, even though we already had another. Little wonder that often families don't even go to the funeral home to retrieve cremains. Another peculiar thing was that we were allowed to pay upon retrieval. It seems to me that this industry hasn't really adjusted to cremation.

Having pastored a church with an "active" cemetery, I happen to know that all these charges are totally unnecessary. Present practices are going to increase animosity toward an already unpopular industry.


Obviously, I have no personal opinion! :rolleyes:

Yes, apparently it sounds as if they're trying to make as much on each passing as they were used to making on conventional burials. Not at all cool, as you indicate. Some people just cannot afford the "conventional." (thinking, too, how --- had we not overheard some preference re cremation --- some "family members" might try to guilt-trip us into the conventional methods when cremation would cost enough, as it is ... hopefully done on credit, since stuff would have to be settled before any $$ available, I have to only guess, since so much is "secret" around here).