What do you get...

[Mark Metcalfe]

...with an agnostic dyslexic insomniac?










A person that stays awake at night wondering if there is a doG.

:fun04

[Mark Metcalfe]

"How Many Christians Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatics: Ten. One to change the bulb, nine to pray against
the spirit of darkness.

Calvinists: Calvinists do not change light bulbs. God has
predestined when the light will be on. Simply read the
instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to
be changed.

Baptists: Change??? Why, my grandmother donated that light
bulb!!

TV Evangelists: One. But for the light to continue, send in
your donation today.

Independent Fundamentalists: Only one; any more would result in
too much cooperation.

Roman Catholics: None. We always use candles.

Established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old:
Ten. One to change the bulb, nine to say how much they liked the
old one.

United Methodists: "We choose not to make a statement either in
favor of or against the need for a light bulb.. However, if in
your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is
about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light
source, or non-dark resource) and present it next month at our
annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of
light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
flourescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted - all of which are equally
valid paths to luminescence."

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Liberals: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate as to
whether the light bulb exists. If they agree it exists, they
still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use
other forms of light.

Mennonite: 13..one to change the light bulb..12 to prepare the
supper they will serve afterward.

[Mark Metcalfe]

Four preachers gathered together for prayer every
Friday morning. One Friday, the Spirit moved on
each of them in a special way and they began to
confess to one another.

The first preacher said, "I need to confess that
I have been drinking the wine from the eucharist,
and now I think I am an alcoholic."

"That's terrible!" they said in chorus and they laid
hands upon the first preacher and prayed for him.

The second preacher said, "I am under terrible conviction
and need to confess that I have been dipping into the
church coffers for my personal benefit."

"That's terrible!" they said in chorus and they laid
hands upon the second preacher and prayed for him.

The third preacher said, "I need to confess that I have
been involved with a woman in my congregation who is not
my wife!"

"That's terrible!" they said in chorus and they laid
hands upon the third preacher and prayed for him.

After that the room fell silent as the first three
preachers looked expectantly at the fourth. Finally,
the pressure was too much to bear and the fourth preacher
blurted out, "Okay, I confess! I'm a terrible gossip and
I can't wait to get out of here!"

[Mark Metcalfe]

HERMENEUTICS IN EVERYDAY LIFE
Exegeting a STOP sign

Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do
you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

1. Postmodernist

A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his
car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over
the east-west traffic.

2. Marxist

Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class
conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south
road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west
road.

3. Serious Catholic

A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand
the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their
tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take
it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too
seriously either.

4. Average Catholic

An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or
Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the
sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.

5. Fundamentalist

A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the
stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

6. Preacher

A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and
discover that it can mean:

1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or
a block of wood that prevents a door from closing;

2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers.

The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is:
when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally
clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

7. Orthodox Jew

An orthodox Jew does one of two things:

1) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so
that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.

2) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God,
king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to
stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.

Incidently, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage:

R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long.
R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before
proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy
One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the
Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs.
R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it
says: "Be still, and know that I am God." R. Hezekiel says: When
Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One,
blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and
overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign,
and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he
saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his
transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel,
when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried
to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll.
One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at
the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way,
he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is
written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did
the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written:
"Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben
Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for
it is written: "let them serve as signs." R. Yeshuah says:
... [continues for three more pages]

8. Pharisee

A Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he
waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights
with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is
activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.

9. Scholar

A scholar from a Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP"
undoubtably was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs
entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was
first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

10. New Testament Scholar

A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but
there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the
ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a
completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent
300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop
signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and
Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is
an unfortunate omission in the commentary, however; the author
apparently forgot to explain what the text means.

11. Old Testament Scholar

An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic
differences between the first and second half of the passage
"STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line
endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one
line termination. He concludes that the author for the second
part is different from the author for the first part and probably
lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the
second half is itself actually written by two separate authors
because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the
"P".

12. Another Old Testament Scholar

Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop
sign would fit better into the context three streets back.
(Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.)
Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor.
He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not
there.

13. Yet another Old Testament Scholar

Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar
amends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to
understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of
stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occured
because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets
back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the
sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping
area.

[Mark Metcalfe]

- Calvinists would believe the game is fixed.
- Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
- Quakers won't swing.
- Unitarians can catch anything.
- Amish would walk a lot.
- Pagans would sacrifice.
- Jehovah's Witnesses would be thrown out often.
- Televangelists would get caught stealing.
- Episcopalians would pass the plate.
- Evangelicals would make effective pitches.
- Fundamentalists would balk.
- Mormons would stay in left field.
- Dunkers are down by three.
- Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch.
- Atheists would refuse to have an Umpire.
- Baptists would like to play hardball.
- Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
- The Catholics would claim never to have committed an error.
- Buddhists will blame it on bad karma.
- Palestenians would blame it on the settlers.
- Jews would blame it on anti-semites.

[Mark Metcalfe]

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who takes care of all his toys according to the
manufacturer's specifications, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and we'd better not
catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - Forget the rule book! Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from. Let's
just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit
of difference.

[Mark Metcalfe]

Some repeats in here; but also "Nazarenes"

DENOMINATIONAL LIGHT BULB JOKES

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Only one
since his/her hands are in the air anyway. Or… Five. One to
change the bulb and four to bind the spirit of darkness in the
room.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God
has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists
do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the
instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change
itself.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????

How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? No one
knows. They can't tell the difference between light and
darkness.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One
to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But
for the message of light to continue, send in your donation
today.

How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to
change a light bulb? Only one because anymore would be
compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten,
as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb
exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light
bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating
those who might use other forms of light.

How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One
to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they
liked the old one. Or- Four. One to change the bulb. One to
bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer
a toast to the old light bulb.

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? About
16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether
changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.

How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to
change the bulb. Another to replace the new with the old after
shaking it and finding it can be revived with a second
blessing.

How many United Church of Christ members does it take to change a
light bulb? Eleven. One to change the light bulb. And ten
more to organize a covered dish supper that will follow the
changing of the bulb service.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? There is some
question here. But we have it on good authority that they have
appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at
their next meeting. Or- We read that we are to so fear and
love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding
comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon
source. It is, rather by faith, NOT by our efforts (effected
toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see,
and that our own works cannot fully justify us in the presence
of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Of course, it is still
dark.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? 300. 12 to
sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel
Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel
Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on
the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing
committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee,
which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then
give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one
actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100
individuals to complain about the method of installation and
another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the
light bulb at all.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? We
choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey,
you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is
fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and
present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,
long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths
to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

[Mark Metcalfe]

The greatest financier in the Bible was Noah;
He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

The greatest female financier in the Bible was Pharaoh's daughter;
She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

The first drug addict in the Bible was Nebuchadnezzar;
He was on grass for seven years.

Before he got married Boaz was a Ruth-less man.

Motor vehicles are in the Bible:
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
The apostles were all in one Accord.

2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen,
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

The greatest Comedian in the Bible was Samson, he brought the house down.

The first Baseball game in the Bible is described in Genesis.
In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second and Cain struck out
Able.

Cain hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

The Ark was 3 stories tall and the top story had a window to let light in.
The other two stories used floodlights.

I figure three people left the ark ahead of Noah because the Bible says Noah
went forth out of the ark.

The first mention of insurance in the Bible is in Genesis.
Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

The second mention of insurance in the Bible is when David gave Goliath a
piece of the rock. David, by the way was also the greatest baby-sitter
mentioned in the Bible. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

If Goliath is resurrected, don't bother telling him the previous joke
He already fell for it once.

The best way to get to Paradise is to turn right and go straight.

The straightest man in the Bible was Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

[Mark Metcalfe]

THE NEW AMERICAN HYMNAL


I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
When Peace, Like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style

[Mark Metcalfe]

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the
results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival
worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist
preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We
got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

[Mark Metcalfe]

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members.
At one house it obvious that someone was home, but nobody came
to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times.
Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20"
on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

(Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock :
If any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come
in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me).

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.
Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

(Genesis 3:10: I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.)

[Mark Metcalfe]

One day a Man of the Cloth was walking down the sidewalk and saw a
young boy with a small bottle of liquid. The boy was turning the
bottle over and over and looking at it in wonderment.

"What have you got there, son?"

"Why, this here's Turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world,"
says the awestruck young boy.

"Oh, I don't know about that. I think Holy Water is the most powerful
liquid in the world. Did you know that if you rub Holy Water on a
pregnant woman's stomach she will pass a baby boy?"

"Shoot! 'Taint nothin'. Rub a little of this on a cat's behind and it'll
pass a motorcycle!"
:eek:

[Mark Metcalfe]

ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister
in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.