Sickness & Loneliness

[Sara Sheppard]

There is a thread below about lonliness and in that, I mentioned that this past year has been one of the lonliest in my life and that my health problems have been a huge factor. I was unable to work for a few months and unable to be in many of the activities (church related, with friends & family, in my community, etc) that were a normal part of my life. Sometimes I did not feel well enough to even go get groceries. There were literally weeks when the only other human beings I had any contact with were the ones I would run into at the hospital for radiation treatments. Thankfully, a couple of my friends noticed this pattern and on occassion would just pack up and come spend the night with me.

Can I make a friendly suggestion, as I think when people go through illnesses, it teaches us. Obviously, not everyone is in my situation - as most people live with a spouse at least so at a minimum they see that person. But even then - that can mean only seeing that one other person for awhile.

If you know someone who is ill or has been homebound for awhile - take a short trip to visit them. You don't have to pack up and move in for the evening like a couple of my friends did. But, one time, on a night when I was seriously depressed and not feeling well - out of the clear blue sky - one of my friends dropped in with 2 starbucks coffees and muffins! I cannot tell you what the coffee, muffin, and mostly this visit did for my soul and spirit. It lifted me. She did not stay long, probably 45 minutes. I was not up for much longer of a visit. She didn't go into any room but my living room, so I didn't have to be nervous about my house being messy.

Also, think about organizing a "maid" service for people who are ill. If 2 couples head to someone's house, you can hit the "high points - toilets, tubs, floors" in about an hour. Because I was ill and especially because it had been my primary arm that was operated on, I was unable to do much of my house cleaning. Thankfully, my mother was able to stop in and help me. My house doesn't get too dirty, but again, I cannot tell you what it meant to have my clothes on hangers and my kitchen floor mopped (you drop a lot of stuff when your right arm doesn't function well).

Well, anyway, I had a treatment at my hematologist-oncologist today and I was in a room with many people getting chemo and giving thought to all I've experienced this last 13 months......and it just made me think about this a little bit.

So, I guess having "been there - done that" on the illness train this year, I just thought I'd offer that little bit of information!

Sara

[Andrea Larabee]

Hi Sara,

Just wanted to let you know that I share the same pain, but a different health diagnosis. I am about your age. It's tough to be riddled with illness when we are in the prime of our life.

Praise God we do have church family, relatives, and friends who are there to care for us, clean for us, just be Jesus to us. It's a bummer they can't be there more often, but I know in their hearts they'd like to be. I have had those lonely days and times when I couldn't make it to the grocery store to even grab a gallon of bottled water. Something so simple.... The loneliness got so unbearable at times and even when people were around I felt lonely.

Among the things I've learned in my trials is that for the healthy folks, sometimes they don't visit because they're... well, busy with life. Other times it's because they don't know what to say or how to act around you, or are afraid they'd catch you in a bad moment...

Sometimes I just had to pick up the phone and make that call to someone else just to get outside of myself. Ask how they were doing, what their kids were up to, what was new in their life... It made me feel better just hearing from them and it brought a sense of normalcy to my day.

Thank you for the suggestions, it was a great reminder, and lets not forget there are merciful people out there.


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in HIm, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit beloved. Romans 15:13

Sincerely,
Andrea

[Sara Sheppard]

Andrea,

You are so right - people are uncomfortable. They don't know what to say. and before I experienced this, I was uncomfortable too. But, now I realize just showing up And saying "I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew what to say, but I want you to know I am here." means the world. One thing I do think you shouldn't say is "I know you will be healed or God will heal you or the best one of all - IF you have faith, God will heal you". Uh...unless God has given you a specific directive on that regarding this person - that is dangerous....in my personal opinion. You can tell them that "God will be with them through this" but for the most part, we don't know that a person will be healed or that God will heal them (in the way we think of being healed here on earth).

I also agree that people are just busy. And sometimes you forget - when you have had your world come to a crashing stop - other people are still trying to get through the day to day stuff of life. And, yes, sometimes you just have to pick up the phone. A phone call can help. :)


I am hoping to become a volunteer at my local hospital and I'd love to work specifically with patients in my age group.
Sara

[Andrea Larabee]

Sara,

I agree with everything in your post. There's one positive thing... we've learned to be merciful, in a Jesus kind of way. Hurting people and those looking for a gift for sick ones in their lives, come into the Christian bookstore (where I work) and I can quickly can understand the level they are on and sometimes encourage them. God allows things to happen for a reason!

God bless you

[Anne and Dwayne Hood]

It took me being very ill a couple of times in my life, to realize things that need to be done to help people when they are sick or elderly. I can remember things that I needed done for me personally at times. I realized that I should have cleaned an elderly lady's fingernails that I use to visit. I should have washed their two coffee cups that I believe they continually used over and over--seemingly without washing them. there are so many things that we can do, even if we are not able to do their housework, also.
Hope life will get better and happier for you, Sara.

[Jenny Mitchell]

Ladies, you nailed it! And may I add, to any pastors who are out there reading, if we don't visit the sick and shut-ins, we are flat-out not doing our jobs. I wish I could begin to convey how much those visits meant when I was in the hospital and stuck at home, adjusting to life with cancer and trying to heal. I looked at it this way in part - there were days when my faith was weak, and I counted on my brothers and sisters to be the men and women who would, as in the story of the paralyzed man in Mark, pick up my mat and carry me to Jesus when I could not get there myself. And while each and every prayer was appreciated, I needed to know I was being carried - and visits, and helping out, and food, and e-mails, and phone calls let me know that.

Pastors, if we choose not to visit the sick and shut ins, I'm convinced we are shooting ourselves in the foot. I know some of us are introverts, and that makes it hard, and all of us are busy, and that makes it even harder, but our people need to know that they are loved and not forgotten by Jesus and simply our presence in a visit is a physical and concrete reminder of that. We don't have to say anything profound - just listen and pray. And let me add this, if we take care of our 'sheep' and let them know we love them in this way, then when our lives or health fall apart, our people will be much more likely to take care of us and be the body of Christ for us. Just a small example - a couple of months ago my mom had major surgery. One of the ladies in my congregation, who had just gotten out of the hospital after a several day stay for heart problems, knew about the surgery, and while she couldn't go, she called a friend from another Nazarene church and told her friend to call her pastor and tell him he better get to the hospital to support us! He did, and his presence was appreciated.

Okay, time to get off my soapbox....

Grace and peace,
Jenny

[Beth Larpenter-Shurbutt]

From the other side of the coin . . .
If you are shut-in and lonely, try to let someone know of your needs. The other side of the coin . . . the people who do not have health problems and are able to get around are the ones who stay so busy that sometimes they don't think of your needs. If reminded or informed, they would so glad to help! I'm one of those people.

I stay so busy that I don't always think about the needs of our shut-in's until the Lord lays someone on my heart or a need is brought to my attention.

We sometimes assume that everyone should know our needs and we sit and wait for them to come . . . and they don't. I don't think it's because of a lack or love and caring. I think it is because they just don't know.

I pray that God will bless you and that loneliness will leave your life.

Beth

[Jenny Mitchell]

Beth, I agree with you as well. Even as a pastor, there are times when people don't let me know about crises - I found out a few days ago that one of my people had been in the hospital for most of a week - and no one had told me. It just never occurred to the wife that I could have come, but she told me she wished I had. And to make it worse, I was at that hospital (about 45 min. from my home) every day anyway, because another gentleman from our church was a patient there.

Yet we who are well also need to be a bit proactive here - depression is a common partner to chronic or severe illness, and that makes it hard to reach out. Also, I find that many seniors just really don't want to be a bother, so they don't call. I keep telling them, "bother me -that's what I'm here for!" That's part of what it means to be the body of Christ.

Grace and peace,
Jenny

[Sara Sheppard]

Beth,

You are right...we do have to speak up. But, in a world that screams "be strong..be self reliant..people are too busy" coupled with a depressed psyche (as many here have testified comes along with physical health problems) - telling someone you are lonely is about the hardest thing in the world to do. You want too...but the depression tells you "no one cares anyway..if you ask you are being a burden". Its not a good enough excuse, but it is true.

On the other hand, if you know someone who has recently been diagnosed with an illness - make the assumption that lonliness and depression are part of their lives and show up! A phone call is nice, but a real life person coming to sit in your living room with you is healing balm! Chances are, they won't say anything.

I think another thing that adds to the depression is money. Many people lose sources of income when they are ill (thankfully I did not.) However, my expenses went through the roof. In December alone, I spent over $300 in co-pays for doctor visits. That was literally my grocery money! So add being broke to being sick and well...you can see! ha ha

You are right though Beth, we've all got to be better at reaching out for help.

I really just started this thread because as I get better each day, the cloud of lonliness and depression are lifting from me. But having been someone who really has walked this path for over a year now, I feel that we should share our experiences to help others. I hope that some here will see this thread and will reach out for help. I hope others will use it to be reminded of someone in their world (at work or church or school) that may be facing a health problem and that you will reach out to them. :)

Sara

[Bruce Carriker]

Jenny...I'd go one step further than saying that pastors shoot themselves in the foot when they don't visit the sick. I'd venture to go so far as to say they sin, and usually willfully (we get to determine our priorities). As Wesleyans, that's a bad thing, right?

Where do I get off making a statement like this? Actually, I borrowed it from someone else:

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

[Jenny Mitchell]

Preach it, brother! I'm in whole-hearted agreement. I'm not always sure what the Lord wants me to do in certain circumstances, but I've never yet left a hospital room or a shut-in visit convinced I'd done the wrong thing. To me, part of the call of being a pastor is the call to look out for the vulnerable, and all of us are vulnerable when we're sick.

Grace and peace,
Jenny

[Michael B. Ross]

Well, my resistance is gone, and I am jumping into this conversation (even though I suspect it is winding down). I appreciate this thread, and I think you are addressing an important issue. I just want to say an "amen" to it and expand it somewhat.

I will say, Bruce, that your Scripture reference maybe would be better understood if noted that it does not seem to be pastor-specific. All people of God are to hear the challenge to "look after" the sick, hungry, etc. I would not use that passage to define the role of a pastor.

Which is just the point, in my opinion. The issue goes beyond roles and expectations. It is more of a theological question. What is the call to pastoral ministry?

Your excellent posts highlight that what seems to be missing is the theology of pastoring that includes the idea of presence. I think we might be underestimating the healing effects of presence. As Christ came "among us" and brought life, so pastors have the opportunity and the responsibility to be among the needy and the suffering.

Isn't there something to be said for JUST being there? I think there is. I also think you folks are saying it better than I am.

Jenny...I'd go one step further than saying that pastors shoot themselves in the foot when they don't visit the sick. I'd venture to go so far as to say they sin, and usually willfully (we get to determine our priorities). As Wesleyans, that's a bad thing, right?

Where do I get off making a statement like this? Actually, I borrowed it from someone else:

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

[Jenny Mitchell]

Dear Michael,

I really appreciate your words on the value of presence. It is a very important part of my personal theology of ministry. Sometimes I have thought that the saddest words in all of Scripture are Jesus' lament from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" To go from "the Father and I are one" to "why have you forsaken me?" is the most painful transition I can imagine.

As a pastor, I often don't have the perfect words. But I can be there. So I sit with the family during visitation at the funeral home, because, 1) I never know when the opportunity for ministry during that visititation will arise and 2) because by my presence I hope to communicate the presence of Christ. And I do the same thing in the hospital or with a shut-in or in the nursing home. It isn't my words that matter - it is my presence. It's the essence of incarnational ministry.

Again, Michael, thanks for your terrific words.

Grace and peace,
Jenny

[Sara Sheppard]

Michael,

I think that is it - the presence....that's a great word for the thoughts I've wanted to express.

Sara

[Belinda Y. Edwards]

Saw this article today about loneliness and the heart.

http://www.medpagetoday.com/Cardiology/Hypertension/tb/2947

[Barb Bouldrey]

Every now and then John feels led of the Lord to stop and visit someone who says, "Oh, Pastor, I was hoping to see you today. I needed you."

Just today he visited with the husband of one of our members. This man had bypass surgery Tuesday and John sat with his family the entire time and has returned twice to just see the man. It is a 30 mile drive.

Today this man told John that the pastor of the church he attends occasionally stopped in, sat 5 minutes, said very little and finally said, "Well, I had better go." He did not even pray for the man.

Over the years, we have learned that just John being somewhere is the presence of God being there to many people. His presence brings comfort and peace. We see faces relax when John walks into the room....as if help has arrived.

Those are moments we treasure, knowing God is using us.

Barb