When Daddy's Little Girl is no longer,

[Mark Doble]

Daddy's little girl...

This hasn't hit me as of yet. However I see it playing out in many others.

How does a Dad handle his little girl growing up. And still keep peace in the house?

[Barbara Moulton]

Daddy's little girl...

This hasn't hit me as of yet. However I see it playing out in many others.

How does a Dad handle his little girl growing up. And still keep peace in the house?

My husband's two "little girls" are now 19 and 20.

He's enjoyed every stage from infancy to adulthood.

[Mark Doble]

What is being laid on my heart is to talk to the teens on how this time of life not only is affecting them, cause some of them are not aware of it, but how it totally affects the whole family, including poor Dad!

Making them aware of the rest of their family and not just themselves.

How to do that I am not sure. I think some visual representation would help.

[Hans Deventer]

Depends on the girl, Mark. We had problems when our little girl was little. We've been doing a lot better since she isn't little anymore :basic05

[Mark Doble]

I know one Dad that is going through a rough time in the fact that he has trouble getting around the fact that his daughter is turning to another rather than him. The Dad is not the no. one squeeze in his daughter's life anymore.
I think she is about 15.

How do I bring this subject to the teens in a way they will understand their Dad's / Mom's feelings? How many teens think about this?

[Hans Deventer]

I know one Dad that is going through a rough time in the fact that he has trouble getting around the fact that his daughter is turning to another rather than him. The Dad is not the no. one squeeze in his daughter's life anymore.
I think she is about 15.

How do I bring this subject to the teens in a way they will understand their Dad's / Mom's feelings? How many teens think about this?

Mark, to be honest, I don't think you can. And I actually think it would not be healthy either, it would be confusing the role of the parent and the child. The child will understand, in due time. Likely, when it has children of its own.

In the mean time, this Dad has work to do. He needs to catch up since he apparently missed the meaning of the birth of his daughter. At that moment, the physical link between mother and child is cut. And from that moment on, slowly but increasingly, it is a matter of letting go. You don't raise a child for yourself. You raise it to become the person God has in mind. In the process, it will make mistakes. And we as dads (and mothers as well, of course!) are through that also learning to become the person God has in mind, by understanding what He did when He created a person that was indeed "another than Him". By sharing His pain towards us. And by still loving the child!!

[Mark Doble]

I see what you mean Hans. Eventually the tie with Mom and Dad must be servered. If not it would be detrimental to the child's marital relationship.

I think I am leaning more to helping the teens understand the feelings of both them and their parents. To be able to live more harmoniously at home.

[Wilson L. Deaton]

Daddy's little girl...

This hasn't hit me as of yet. However I see it playing out in many others.

How does a Dad handle his little girl growing up. And still keep peace in the house?

Let me recommend a great book on this topic. It was actually written for mothers but I read it and found it very good. I then bought a copy for my sister to read as her daughter was about to move out of the house. It would actually be more helpful to read several years earlier...

Author: Carol Kuykendoll

It was originally published (1985) as, Learning to Let Go . (Version I have.)

There is now an "expanded and updated edition" (2000) retitled, Loving and Letting Go . (Version I bought for my sister.)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310235502/qid=1147185831/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-6133578-6355947?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

Wilson

[Bruce Carriker]

Obviously there are some universally wrong answers, but I don't think there is any one "right answer". What is detrimental to one parent-teen relationship works fine in another.

In my particular case, I've found that just talking with them every chance I get works best. If you're talking about music and movies and school, the other stuff just sort of works its way into the conversation.

I must admit that it was tough the first time my sixteen year old said, "Daddy, this boy is so hot, but I want to know what you think about him." At first I didn't want my little girl thinking any boy was hot, but then I realized that the most important thing was that she still wanted my opinion. I'm not so naive as to think she will always act on my opinions, but...at least for now...she still ASKS for them, and that has to count for something.

Someone...Hans I think...said we have to realize that we're raising them to turn them loose on the world and be the people God created them to be. Most Biblical heroes/heroines made bad choices at some point in their lives. All of us have made bad choices at some point in our lives. Much as we love them, our kids will make bad choices. That doesn't mean we've failed, or that they're bad kids. It just means they're growing up.

[Belinda Y. Edwards]

i don't believe in severing any relationship.

i strongly believe that one reason our Country is in turmoil is because of severing relationships more than fostering them. This begins at the homefront.

NOW - please, i am not for mama boys and daddy girls - in the sense of the marriage not having the rightful place.

When my boys were babies - they needed me differently than when they were six and ten.

my boys will always need me - just differently.

i revolt against the idea of severing like i revolt against the idea that ones get too old for a hug.

How do i need my daddy today?

i need a solid rock that i can call and whimper out my fears - and he continue to tell me that it will be okay. Even adult girls have fears. Even adult girls long to be encouraged that it will still be okay. Then, a 'swat on the behind' to bounce back on track.

i am not partner with my dad. i am partner with my husband.

There is a big difference in roles.

i still need one to call for advice.
i still need one to just *be there*.

*smiles*

Can't always do that these days - i turn to my Heavenly Father during those times - but real arms and shoulders would go a long way.

[Barb Bouldrey]

Mark,

If you are talking about speaking to your teen group, why not have an "interview" with a recently married daughter and her dad and ask them each about their feelings toward each other:
1. When she was a teenager
2. At the time of the wedding
3. Now

Ask them how their relationship has changed through those years. Ask them what they expected from each other during those times. Ask them what was hard on their relationship during those times.

You might even have a father/daughter team where the daughter has been married 10 years.

Choose two teams that you know have a close relationship and have not had major confrontations as a father/daughter unless you get permissions from them ahead of time to have them discuss the problems they faced and how they handled & solved them.

Barb

[Ian Gentles]

Daddy's little girl...

This hasn't hit me as of yet. However I see it playing out in many others.

How does a Dad handle his little girl growing up. And still keep peace in the house?

Only by the grace of God, trust me!

[Bruce Carriker]

Mark,

If you are talking about speaking to your teen group, why not have an "interview" with a recently married daughter and her dad and ask them each about their feelings toward each other:
1. When she was a teenager
2. At the time of the wedding
3. Now

Ask them how their relationship has changed through those years. Ask them what they expected from each other during those times. Ask them what was hard on their relationship during those times.

You might even have a father/daughter team where the daughter has been married 10 years.

Choose two teams that you know have a close relationship and have not had major confrontations as a father/daughter unless you get permissions from them ahead of time to have them discuss the problems they faced and how they handled & solved them.

Barb

Barb,
I think your suggestions are good ones, except for the last part. Not that that's not good, as well. But I wouldn't avoid a troubled relationship. Instead, I'd intentionally seek one out...but one that's now healthy and restored.

I work in a ministry with youth at risk and two of our most effective volunteers are a mother and daughter (now in her late 20's) who had a horrible relationship during the daughter's teen years. The daughter talks about her rebellion - against God, against her parents, basically against everything she'd grown up with. Mom talks about love and patience and faith and prayer...and how her belief in all those things was seriously challenged for a number of years.

It helps parents to recognize that the situation is not hopeless. And it helps the kids realize that you can go home again. Not every parent-child relationship is going to be good, and I think that sometimes...however well-intentioned...when we only present the "success stories" for public display, we reinforce the feelings of failure in those whose stories are less than ideal.

[Joel Merrill]

It is hard to give advice. I had two girls and they were total opposites. For me handling each stage of their growing up seemed to come naturally as if God had given me some kind of built in instinct. That is not to say that it was always easy. The teens years especially are a very difficult time for a child, both boys and girls. They can be very moody (talk about an understatement). Sometimes they need space but don't give them so much space that you are never there. They also need structure and boundaries but gradually give them more freedom. Just because they may over react to things, don't you over react. (I can hear LeAnne clearing her throat when I say that) There will be times that they are upset and won't want to talk about it. Offer to listen if they want to talk but I'm not sure how wise it is to keep questioning them. There will be other times when they want to talk. Listen to them. Love your wife. That is a source of security for them. When you love your wife, they feel loved too. I'm not saying that I am the perfect parent. I learned a lot of things a bit late. Don't blame yourself if your child makes wrong choices or gets in trouble. You do your best to lead them but they make their own choices and they have to live with the consequences.

Joel

[Barbara Moulton]

I see what you mean Hans. Eventually the tie with Mom and Dad must be servered. If not it would be detrimental to the child's marital relationship.

I think I am leaning more to helping the teens understand the feelings of both them and their parents. To be able to live more harmoniously at home.

It's not so much a severing of ties as a changing of ties.

Carl and I are still close to our daughters, but not in the same way as when they were dependant on us for everything. Every stage of development brought more things that they didn't "need" us for. Consequently, every stage of development resulted in a change in the ties. But there are still very close ties.

For example, it's not my responsibility to "discipline" them anymore. But I will give advice and guidance.

[Joel Merrill]

This doesn't work for all girls but I liked to go out and do something with them once in a while, just the two of us. It might be walking a nature trail at the lake or going out for a hamburger and just have fun.

Our oldest daughter and her husband are moving several states away in a few weeks. I will miss them of course but as of right now, I am excepting it okay. My wife, on the other hand, is very depressed right now. I'm a little worried.

Joel

[Barb Bouldrey]

Bruce,

You are correct. But it would have to be a relationship that has been restored. That would be a great help.

Barb

[Bruce Carriker]

Joel,

I, too, have done the "date your daughter" thing. When they were younger, maybe it was McDonald's, or bowling, or "The Lion King". Now it might be a concert or a museum or a nice restaurant. I don't know where the name came from, and I think it's somewhere between goofy and perverse. But it is fun to get away and spend one-on-one time together.

So often they are "the kids" or "the girls" and they need to be shown that they really matter as individuals. I'm sure there are lots of ways that work, but this one works for us.

[Joel Merrill]

Joel,

I, too, have done the "date your daughter" thing. When they were younger, maybe it was McDonald's, or bowling, or "The Lion King". Now it might be a concert or a museum or a nice restaurant. I don't know where the name came from, and I think it's somewhere between goofy and perverse. But it is fun to get away and spend one-on-one time together.

So often they are "the kids" or "the girls" and they need to be shown that they really matter as individuals. I'm sure there are lots of ways that work, but this one works for us.

I would have liked to "date" my daughters a lot more than I did. I think it would have helped a lot but my wife thought it was a silly idea.

Joel

[Bruce Carriker]

I'm not sure it matters how much we do it, Joel. When they're grown and gone, it wasn't enough. :)

I don't know it for a fact, but all the head-shrinkers tell you that girls develop a huge part of their self-worth, and shape many of their ideas about relationships with the opposite sex based on their relationship with their dad. I'm not the worlds greatest dad, by a long shot...but Anna and Sara absolutely know that their dad loves them and values them.

[Bruce Carriker]

I'm not sure it matters how much we do it, Joel. When they're grown and gone, it wasn't enough. :)

I don't know it for a fact, but all the head-shrinkers tell you that girls develop a huge part of their self-worth, and shape many of their ideas about relationships with the opposite sex based on their relationship with their dad. I'm not the worlds greatest dad, by a long shot...but Anna and Sara absolutely know that their dad loves them and values them.

[Larry Wilson]

It's not so much a severing of ties as a changing of ties.

Carl and I are still close to our daughters, but not in the same way as when they were dependant on us for everything. Every stage of development brought more things that they didn't "need" us for. Consequently, every stage of development resulted in a change in the ties. But there are still very close ties.

For example, it's not my responsibility to "discipline" them anymore. But I will give advice and guidance.

I think this is well put!

But it is dangerous for me to talk about my two daughters lest I be tempted beyond that which I am able to bear and fall into the sin of pride.

It was Dr. Earl Vastbinder, from Trevecca, who said something to me very early on that helped me immensely. He and his daughter Heidi were our houst guests when we first arrived in Haiite as rookie missionaries with a four month-old daughter. (He had arrived a few days earlier, and we went out on a medicalt trip to one of the most remote parts of the country). He said, "I have truly enjoyed parenting my daughter at each stage of life!"

I echo that. That little girl was someone I enjoyed being with at each stage. Even at age two or three she went with me on remote medical trips. My wife and I just dragged our children along with us wherever we went.

The gradual shifting in roles and relationship has not always been smooth, and even as compiant as my girls were, there were still those teen years when the struggle for independence was rocky.

I've always tried to make time for special Daddy/Daughter times. And, gradually shifed roles to that of adult/adult. I enjoy them in a new way now, still just as full and rich as when they were small -- just different. Adult/adult doesn't mean that it isn't still parent/daughter, though.

Let's see, they are both now in California (we're sill in New England) we talk usually several times a week. Noel, now married and in graduate school, called me about a pain in her finger, Holly at PLNU called for a scripture reference.

So, find ways to enjoy the uniquess of whatever stage of life your daughter is in. You may relinquish something of the old, but will enter into the rewards of the new.

I've heard about the joys of grandparenting (like from Dennis Scott), but that is a new relationship I've not experienced . . . yet!