Yours Mine or Our money

[Bob Evans]

I am doing a wedding of a coworker and her boyfriend. Both had bad divorces
and both have lived very independent lives for a number of years.

Thursday is the session where we talk about money. I need some help preparing. Here is my question.

At our house we have our money in that we have one checking account and work on financial things together.

Others keep there independence in the area of money. there is your money and my money and the combined spending is worked out on a purchase by purchase basis.

How is it in your house and why? Is it your money my money, or is it our money?

[Dave McClung]

Linda and I own everything in common; however, we married at a time when neither of us had anything of value. In fact, we both had debts. That has made it easy to consider everything we own as "ours."

It isn't as easy when people marry after they have significant assets and debts. Children from prior marriages makes it even more difficult.

My suggestion is that you tell them any arrangement is ok as long as they fully discuss it in advance and reach agreement. I am not big on prenup agreements, but sometimes they are a good way for a couple to reach agreement about important things like Who pays for the college expense of children from a prior marriage?

PS: I forgot about one thing. The life insurance policy on my life is Linda's separate property. It is the only thing we own that isn't community property.

[Belinda Y. Edwards]

Thanks, Dave, for your input.

Garry and i have a set up like what you describe for you and Linda. i have never been able to understand the purpose for other arrangements. i have always had the thought that they were a *set up* for a failed marriage, if ones were going into it with an *end* in mind. Your post has opened a window of new ideas for me.

Thank you.

[Kevin Bowser]

My wife and I operate the way many do...

What's hers is hers and what's mine is hers.

But, I am not complaining. That system has worked well for 25 years!

[Dana Grant]

I am doing a wedding of a coworker and her boyfriend. Both had bad divorces
and both have lived very independent lives for a number of years.

Thursday is the session where we talk about money. I need some help preparing. Here is my question.

At our house we have our money in that we have one checking account and work on financial things together.

Others keep there independence in the area of money. there is your money and my money and the combined spending is worked out on a purchase by purchase basis.

How is it in your house and why? Is it your money my money, or is it our money?


At our house, everything is OURS. We do have two checking accounts, one of which I primarily use; however, it is mainly for business purposes and is still considered "ours." We really don't separate anything into his and hers......

[Lowell Satterfield]

In our home when I add 1+1=3 or something so Lois takes care of the money. Our paychecks are both deposited into the same account which she manages. There is ongoing dialog about finaces with both of our inputs. It has worked well for 18 years and I'm not about to try to change it.
Some of my co-workers use his, hers ours and have no idea who has what. At least a couple times a wek I hear "she diddn't pay the _____ bill." "or the ____bill is his." Constant bickering. I see this a a plan to fail also.

[Jon Twitchell]

I counseled a couple where he was on his second marriage, she was on her first. They were in their late 30s, and had similar concerns.

They had really spent some time talking about it, and had settled on three accounts--one for each of them, and one for the household. They would each contribute an equal amount into the household account each week, which she would manage. The rest of the money they would have as their own.

Having been raised by parents who really truly exemplified an "ours" approach to life, it wasn't an arrangement that I would have been crazy about, but I can see how it would work well for them.

[Brad Mercer]

In my house it's our money. We've always had only one common checking account and common credit cards. When we first got married it was my job to send in the payments on household bills, but my wife Karen was always stressing out about it, wanting to know all the details about who we owed how much, when it was due, whether I had paid it, why I paid it then and not some other time.

I finally said look, either I pay the bills and you don't worry about it or you pay the bills and I won't worry about it; I don't care which, but there's no reason for both of us to worry about it. She couldn't stop worrying and pestering me about it so I finally after a year or two of marriage gave her the checkbook and said okay, it's all yours. You pay the bills and I won't worry about it.

My check always goes straight into the bank, she pays the bills, and tells me how much I have to spend and when to slow down or stop spending. I spend very little so that's not tough.

We got married when we were 20 and will celebrate our 30th anniversary this coming March 21, so on the one hand it's worked for us, but on the other our situation was always pretty simple.

I understand why second marriages with pre-existing obligations and the fears that arise from earlier failed marriages would make other arrangements more palatable and workable.

Brad

[Jerry Frank]

Ouch! I had created and posted a lengthy response just before the shutdown and it is no longer there. I will try to recreate what I had said yesterday.

I think that financial arrangements in second marriages (probably also in later in life marriages) may have to be different than what they are for young first timers. Young people usually come into a marriage with little or nothing while older people have accumulated significant possessions.

I am in my second and last marriage. Most comments in this thread so far are from people in stable first marriages.

Divorce devasted both our finances but we did have our own homes with mortgages. We each sold our homes and combined the resources to buy a new one and both our names are on the title. Faye chose to maintain her own bank account because she was helping her daughter get through college (my two sons were already living away from home). She also buys most of the groceries and some of her own clothes. I cover all the rest of our expenses including the mortgage but I also earn almost twice as much as she does. I do this willingly and without regret. I also maintain my own bank account. The key word is "maintain". All accounts we have are joint accounts in case we need to access the other in time of emergency or death.

We make independent decisions about small stuff (clothing, etc.) but joint decisions on big stuff like furniture, electronics, cars, etc. Fortunately we each have a common understanding of the difference between wants and needs and that is reflected in our cooperation.

Children and step children (along with court ordered child support) can be a huge factor in the couple's financial planning. Both partners have to be absolutely committed to a joint effort in this regard, sharing each others commitments.

Others have mentioned the "what is mine is yours" concept and I believe this is very important. If we are truly to believe that we become one in a marriage, it applies to our finances as well. Selfishness with finances and property will lead to selfishness in other areas as well and this can easily lead to dispute and problems.

TRUST is a key word. Faye and I dated for 8 years before committing to each other in marriage. We had 100% trust in each other prior to marrying and that continues today as we manage our finances. I would also emphasize here that this is not the simple trust that comes with "falling in love". This is about full commitment to each other.

And finally, I cannot emphasize strongly enough the need for a WILL that takes effect immediately upon marriage. This is especially important if minor children are involved. Whether a legal requirement or not, the responsibility of care for minor children goes on even after death as does the care for your new spouse and any step children. These issues must be factored into the wording of the will. True story - my widower brother remarried and a week later they were walking to the lawyer's office to prepare new wills when he suffered a fatal heart attack in the street. There were no longer any children at home but, none-the-less, his second wife got EVERYTHING and his grown children nothing.

There was one other key comment which I made in the posting yesterday. If I remember :basic04 it I will post again.

Jerry

[LoraineStanton]

Paul and I have been married over 19 years. We have different money management styles. I have my accounts, he has his. He also earns more in three hours than I do in one day. I have two savings accounts and two checking accounts. My debit card checking account is at the bank where Paul's pay is direct deposited into his account. Technically he's on my checking account there so he can move money to my debit card for household expenses. He pays all the fixed bills. Works for us. I'll also mention, that I did not post this until asking Paul if he had any objections to this post. He also mentioned, based on his years as a Credit Manager, that there are times when it it wisest to have totally seperate finances.

[Belinda Y. Edwards]

Paul and I have been married over 19 years. We have different money management styles. I have my accounts, he has his. He also earns more in three hours than I do in one day. I have two savings accounts and two checking accounts. My debit card checking account is at the bank where Paul's pay is direct deposited into his account. Technically he's on my checking account there so he can move money to my debit card for household expenses. He pays all the fixed bills. Works for us. I'll also mention, that I did not post this until asking Paul if he had any objections to this post. He also mentioned, based on his years as a Credit Manager, that there are times when it it wisest to have totally seperate finances.

humph - i know how to solve this problem......let's all live on air *grins big*

[Stan Hall]

We have always had joint accounts. Everything is "ours." The differentiations "her car," "my car," her computer," "my computer" are only conveniences referring to who typically uses the item, not ownership. This has worked for us for 38 years. Of course we are both on our first marriage; when we married we didn't have any assets. It might indeed be different for those with significant assets and debts before getting married and especially regarding children from previous marriages.
I had a great-uncle who married for the third time at age 86 having outlived two wives. He and his third wife kept their finances completely separate; each had their own heirs and estates and that worked best for them. (He passed away at age 96.)

[LoraineStanton]

humph - i know how to solve this problem......let's all live on air *grins big*

:basic05 Kinda hard to solve a problem when there's no problem:basic05

[Belinda Y. Edwards]

:basic05 Kinda hard to solve a problem when there's no problem:basic05

nods - didn't mean that directed to the two of you....

Just you are my girlie girlfriend - i was just making referance to the subject at hand.

oopsie - i goofed

[Anne and Dwayne Hood]

Brad, Dwayne and I will celebrate our 48th anniversary on the 21st of March. We got married when we were 20.
Most of the years of our marriage, I kept the check book. Dwayne had to take it over for awhile when I was in a serious accident in 1991. Then, after I had breast cancer surgery, he took it over again. He still has it. I told him that I had served my sentance for over 40 years, and he could have it now.

In earlier years, many times he was attending Trevecca and working, or pastoring and working. All of our retirment checks are directly deposited, and I have a sense of what is OK to spend, and what is not.

[Doris Grant]

Dan and I have been married for 37 years and everything has always been ours. Everything we buy is in both our names. One checking account and one savings account. I take care of the bills, and that is the way Dan likes it. He would be a mess if had to think about what has to be paid each week, he would totally be out of his element, lol. We have a very open dialog about our finances, no problems.

Doris

[Laurie Florence]

For Mark and I, it's always been our money. Our paychecks go in to a checking account, and what we can save (when we can save), we put in a savings account. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe I'm too idealistic, or maybe I'm naive - I don't know. But I cannot imagine things any other way. If we can't trust each other to be prudent with the money we both work so hard to earn, then how could we trust each other with anything else? If we don't want to share our money with each other, then how could we really share our lives together? We are both part of one team .... seems to work for us.
Laurie