family Conundrum

[Joanne Vergin]

Hello friends,
I have been here for a month and feel like I know some of you so well.
I have a problem i thought I would throw out. I have gone round and round about whether I should post this so here goes:
There is a family member who is not nice to my children at all. we are talking fairy-tale wicked.
This person cannot be avoided because we have a family business of which they pay a daily part.

This is an adult and we are teaching our children to be respectful of adults but this person's hurtful remarks are escalating.

I pray every day as it says in Psalms to pray for one's enemies.
any other suggestions?

[David Cash]

I'm assuming that the unkindness is mostly verbal. If it were otherwise, you probably wouldn't need to be asking.

I don't know the full answer here, but a critical early step is to let your kids know that it is the other one with the problem and not them. Their view of life and of right and wrong could get confused otherwise. Also, it is perhaps easier to forgive and cope with an offensive person if one clearly understands that that person's action is sinful.

David Cash

[Joel Merrill]

This may be a stupid question but have you talked to this family member about this? Your spouse and children are more important than any other family member, even your parents. It is your duty and right to defend their well being even if it is just verbal abuse.

Joel

[Dana Grant]

Hello friends,
I have been here for a month and feel like I know some of you so well.
I have a problem i thought I would throw out. I have gone round and round about whether I should post this so here goes:
There is a family member who is not nice to my children at all. we are talking fairy-tale wicked.
This person cannot be avoided because we have a family business of which they pay a daily part.

This is an adult and we are teaching our children to be respectful of adults but this person's hurtful remarks are escalating.

I pray every day as it says in Psalms to pray for one's enemies.
any other suggestions?

YOU may have to deal with this person on a daily basis, but there is no way that I would allow my CHILDREN to be subjected to someone who was so "wicked." Seriously, I would find an adjacent room for my children, or SOMETHING. I would not expose them to such hatred, and especially if it is someone in our own FAMILY.

Can you just separate the children from the person? I would find a way. I don't know how old the children are, but, depending on their ages, I would also let them know what I was doing and why, and that they do not need to be exposed to this type of treatment.

[Joanne Vergin]

Unfortunately there is no "room", we live on a farm.
I have talked to this person and this person's spouse. Very aware of the problem but will not do much.

[Judy Engel]

Your kids need to know that you will "protect" them from this family member. There is a difference between talking to someone and letting them know, in no uncertain terms, that their speech and actions are unacceptable and won't be tolerated. If it is a family member older than you are, bear inmind that you are an adult and "talking back" to your elders may not necessarily apply in this situation. I'm not saying this is to be done in front of your children, but they need to know you will shield them from these onslaughts. I'm not an expert but I speak from experience on both sides of the issue.

[LoraineStanton]

NEVER allow your children to be alone with this person. Mom or dad should ALWAYS be present. Any time this individual mistreats a child the parent should emphatically state that the person's behavior is unacceptable. It's sad that an "adult" doesn't act like it :(

[Barbara Moulton]

Hello friends,
I have been here for a month and feel like I know some of you so well.
I have a problem i thought I would throw out. I have gone round and round about whether I should post this so here goes:
There is a family member who is not nice to my children at all. we are talking fairy-tale wicked.
This person cannot be avoided because we have a family business of which they pay a daily part.

This is an adult and we are teaching our children to be respectful of adults but this person's hurtful remarks are escalating.

I pray every day as it says in Psalms to pray for one's enemies.
any other suggestions?

I don't know what you said when you talked to the person but you must let them know that abusive behaviour towards the children will no longer be tolerated. If they haven't paid attention to what you have said already you may have to be be firmer in what you say. I know it can be hard to confront family members but they are adults and need to be held accountable for their behaviour.

Certainly make sure your children are never alone with them.

Make sure your children know that you are aware of what is happening, that you are on their side and that you are taking steps to address it.

[Donna Adams]

How old are these children? Is there a supervisor on the family business, a person who has more say so than others?

[Joel Merrill]

I'm not sure what you mean by "fairy tail wicked" (and I don't want to know) but it sounds serious. If something should happen, you could be charged with child endangerment. I know you don't want to hear that but it seems like the DHS has a bounty on parents sometimes. There may not be an easy answer. What everyone has said is very good but I think we all need to get together and pray for this situation. You need a miracle as well as God's protection.

God is able, Joel

[David Showalter]

Joanne shares,

Unfortunately there is no "room", we live on a farm.
I have talked to this person and this person's spouse. Very aware of the problem but will not do much.


David replies,

Joanne, please know that God cares about your situation and I am saying a prayer for you right now, this very moment. I am going to say a thing or two and desperately want you to know that I mean no offense at all, however I do want to challenge your statement above.

there is no "room"??????

Joanne that sounds like you believe, you and your family have no options. It sounds as though you see yourself as helpless and trapped. It sounds as though you think there is nothing you can do. My point is this, that is not true. Most people who abuse can continue to abuse because their victims feel trapped, helpless, with no way out. Now, I am not advocating that your options are simple and easy, or even all that inviting, but Joanne please know you do have options. The part of the country I live in is a pretty nice place to live and raise a family, and their are some jobs available.

As long as an abusive spouse, parent, grandparent, etc. is convinced their victims have no way out, are helpless, and believe they have no options but to hang around and take the abuse, the odds are the abuse will continue. Fifty years from now which will be more important to you and your children, that you stuck it out and maybe have a little financial security, or that 50 years ago you all said "enough" and placed the emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological well fare of the children at the very top of your priority?
Just a thought.

[Marsha Lynn]

I never dealt with "fairy-tale wicked" but I did deal with a few cases of people who failed to appreciate the charm of my children when they were young.

My suggestion:

1. Say something like this to the children: "All of your life you will encounter people who don't like you for some reason or other. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes it's a personality conflict, but many times it will have nothing to do with you. People who don't like you often won't know you well enough to base their dislike on anything about you. They'll simply choose to dislike you. That's life. This is an opportunity to learn early in life how to respond to such people. The lessons you learn as you deal with this situation will serve you well in life."

2. Tell the children in many different ways: "I like you a lot. I think you're wonderful!" Be on their team. When the abuser is ranting, make eye contact with the child and draw them into the shelter of your love. A smile, a wink, a special signal, any form of pleasantness sliding past the abuser to the child can offset the unpleasantness.

3. Demonstrate tolerance to the child. The abuser has a problem. We have not found a way to fix the problem nor to eliminate the abuser from our lives. Possibly we don't even want to shut that person out of our lives. (Would those who advise a course of no contact make that same choice for a grandparent who is suffering from Alzheimer's and sometimes becomes verbally abusive?) We simply need to protect our spirits while responding to evil with good. The abuser is powerless to cancel out a parent's love and appreciation for the child.

4. Allow the children to share their pain with you without having it poison your attitude toward the abuser. This is very difficult. The 'mother bear' instinct rises up and makes us parents want to destroy what harms our children. Loving the enemies of our children is even harder than loving our own enemies. Yet, it is love for enemies that is the mark of authenticity in our lives as Christians. Listen to their pain and maybe discuss what pain in the life of the abuser may be making them behave the way they do but don't tear down the character of the abuser either to them or in front of them. Your goal isn't to teach your children to protect themselves with anger but to so immunize them that hateful words slide off without leaving a mark. It may be that the children will someday develop a healthy, compassionate relationship with the abuser that you yourself will never achieve. Leave room for this to happen.

5. Work at keeping your sense of humor. When the abuser says, "That's the worst job I've ever seen a child do at that task. I should skin you alive for that!" make a face or comment that conjures up a funny picture of a skinless child trying to accomplish the task better than the flesh-covered child just did. Play a game with the child of sharing amusement at the absurdity of the comments without the abuser catching on that there are smiles happening around them.

6. Make it clear to the abuser that you love the child but that you're also willing to interact with them on an adult level. I remember being called in for a parent-teacher conference to discuss why my high-IQ, valedictorian-bound daughter had failed a 7th-grade English assignment. The unsmiling head of the English department was there in support of the teacher, who had taken personal offense at my daughter's response to a unit on creative writing. The theme of her writing was how useless she found the assignments made by the teacher. I was shown the offensive writing. The two women at the table with me were united in their frowns of stern disapproval. I read the papers and said aloud, "My daughter wrote this?!" To myself, I added, "Cool!" It was both creative and funny! I had to bend my head to study the papers while hiding the smiles produced by them. However, I looked back up with maybe just a glint of humor left in my eyes and solemnly agreed with them that it's important for students to show respect in the classroom. I later assigned my daughter to finish out her failed school project by writing a letter of apology to the teacher. But you can be sure that I did not convey the spirit of hypersensitivity expressed in that room back to my daughter. (Nor did I express approval for the idea of expressing her complaints about an assignment to the teacher.) She had been given a creative-writing assignment and she had written creatively. The teacher gave her a failing grade for the unit. We accepted that grade and went on. When I later started substituting at the high school, I purposely nutured a relationship of mutual respect with the teacher. She was an excellent teacher, although a bit too serious for my taste, and my kids now credit her with teaching them much about English. And my creative writer learned that adults are not immune to the pain of criticism, even when it comes from an adolescent.

7. Find ways for you and the child to draw back from the frontlines and restore your souls together. Surely, there are a few hiding places on a farm. Or errands to run in town. Take advantage of every refuge you can find.

As the parent and adult, you are very important in this formula. You can teach the child to show kindness and respect to and for the abuser while consistently communicating to the child that the hatred is the abuser's problem and unrelated to the actual value of the child (or the abuser). The abuser is angry and bitter and blind to the beauty around them. You and the child are in love with God and each other and with life and can afford to love and respect the abuser. Every time you overcome evil with good, you and the child become better people.

Sorry this got so long. Parenting issues strike a chord with me. What tremendous challenges and rewards come with children.

Marsha

[Laurie Florence]

Marsha, your reply is a great commentary on how to have a christian response to difficult and challenging people. You are right when you say that it is easier for a mother to love her own enemies than for her to love her children's enemies. Walking the christian walk in everyday life, with all the various challenging situations that come up, can be tough.

Joanne, I'll be praying for your situation.

Blessings,
Laurie