Sexual Purity and teens...

[Mark Doble]

How many are so? How do they view it?

More importantly, what do your teens consider as going too far?
Holding hands, or how they hold hands?
Kissing on the cheek?
French kissing?

I tell ya, you can talk about it in an open forum with them, listen to their minds beliefs, and then they turn around and do something they know is wrong...

How does a youth leader, church, etc... get the picture across to them? It tears me apart to see some leading such a destructive lifestyle. AND THEY KNOW IT!

Our youth group has beat this to subject to death over the last while both in Sunday School Power Hour, and Monday night youth group. We have about 40 in attendance and just as many thoughts on how far is far enough.

I have come to the conclusion that society has such a grasp on the creation of their moral values. It sucks! I am in a state of despair today. I was up to late last night in prayer for them.
Everywhere they turn the media is glorifying sex among teens. And now, Telus is going to make pornography freely available on their cell phones! My letter is in the mail already!
I'm just gunna crawl into a closet today. I am so sad, upset, I feel like a storm cloud envelops me today... I'm gunna die if I don't dedicate it to God.
Will He listen?
On another side of the coin: Six months ago, and after my Son's last girlfriend, I saw a potentially destructive pattern. I spoke to him about it. He understood somewhat of what I was meaning. I grounded him from any more girlfriends until he turns 17. He thanked me for it! Many times he has thanked me for it... WHY? Because it relieved the pressure he was under to make those decisions. I wish I could ground all the teenagers in our youth group.

One time, I grounded another guy for a month from seeing Mike because I saw a destructive lifestyle coming from the two of them just being together.
To this day, they both thank me for it. Now, two years later they remain best friends. They said it woke them up!

I,m just gunna go cry. Anyone want to join me? :basic04

Bye the way, two of our Church's former youth leaders, now in their late 20's, early 30's, did a survey of all the kid in their youth group years ago. They asked how many of them stayed pure until marriage.
Out of about 60 - NONE Well, one, almost...

[Ron Davis]

Maybe, just maybe our whole approach to youth ministry is wrong. It certainly isn't being very effective. (see your survey results) We tell them sex is wrong, drinking is wrong, smoking is wrong, dancing is wrong. They say, "Yes we know. So what?" Then they go out and do all of that anyway. And then we wonder where we went wrong.

I am approaching 30 years of youth ministry and don't have the answers yet. One mistake I think we make is spending too much time telling them what not to do. Instead of teaching them to not have sex we should be teaching them how to have proper relationships with others. Not an easy task with teenagers that come from homes that are everything but a model for good, loving relationships.

Too many ministries, youth and otherwise seem to have the primary motive of enticing people to attend the Sunday worship services. I have been wondering lately what a church might look like if the primary effort wasn't placed on services held in the church building.

I have to keep reviewing the concepts of postmodern thinking but that is where the teenagers are. We can try as hard as we like to convert them back to modern thinking but the effort is not only futile but to me undesirable. I probably think that because in many ways I have a postmodern viewpoint.

I would love to engage in a lengthy discussion on this topic because I have seen to many kids that appear to be solid Christian kids leave high school, then leave church, move in with their girlfriend or boyfriend and completely abandon all the teaching, never to return. Young adults have always left the church for a time but frequently returned later in life. I believe they mostly have stopped returning.

Looking forward to more discussion.

[Billie Goodson]

Kids today face so many issues and are given such awareness and freedom that it is amazing that they don't all go bonkers. However, Ron, I think you have some very good points, we spend so much time telling the nots -- they tune us out and try to find their own do's. I sometimes take issue with the church manual for the same reason -- the dont's. Instead of spending the time telling them what not to do, if we filled the time with how to have healthy fulfilling relationships wouldn't it be so much better? Then again, many of them just show the same behavior as so many adults. It is amazing how we sometimes get older, but, not smarter.

I think the prospect of meeting kids where they are is so vital. Kids, like many others, are eschewing conventional church -- we have to find a way to meet their needs. Jesus didn't sit in synagogue and wait for people to come to him -- he went to them and met their needs.

[Mark Doble]

You know, for a month one topic we went over was the Biblical perspective on being equally yolked. Christian to Christian. After that topic, the next week two of our girls started going out with non-Christian guys!

Go figure?

One has since broken off the relationship as it was getting too hot and the guy was not interested in Christianity, just sex. Go figure? Apparently though, some of what we had been talking about made her re-evaluate her relationship with him. I am happy with her decision and really let her know so.

[Mark Doble]

I find myself constantly wondering how far I am able to go as far as stepping into a person's life, as a youth leader. Like, I am not their parents. Probably a good thing to some extent.
But keeping far enough away as so not to seem like I am prying into too private of issues. Like, am I to tell a teen not to date so and so because I have herd that so and so is only interested in sex and not you. I feel if I did that, that I may loose some respect from them.
On the other hand it is really hard to watch a destructive lifestyle. Where do you draw the line? If the parents are walking the same line and teaching it to their kid as acceptable you have another problem...

[Billie Goodson]

I think it really depends on the relationship you have with the teens -- and with every teen it will be somewhat different. You raise a couple of good issues Mark -- especially in relationship to parenting. I think you have to evaluate what they are getting from their parents and use that in helping decide how to go forward. Are the parents teaching the same things? Are you reinforcing or providing the only voice on issues -- it seems to be important.

I have always felt that kids need to know we care. Not whether we are happy/unhappy with them -- not whether we think they are right or wrong -- but, do we really care? How do we talk to them? Some will say they already have a parent(s) telling them what to do and what not to do. Some have no parenting. The one thing they all need is someone that will listen to them, and respect them -- and be a third party.

This is somewhat different than parenting. I always told my kids I did not have to be their friend, but, I had to be their parent. Sometimes, I would say or do things that would anger them at me -- too bad. I was given an awesome responsibility to take care of them and prepare them for life - and sometimes it is like making sausage. While I always wanted things to be happy and go-lucky, the requirement that it be safe, sound, and sensible had to trump out.

I still say that the book "How to be Like Jesus" by Pat Williams is so applicable to teens. Listen to them, find their hearts, they will learn that you care and give you respect. That respect is the key to all of the next steps. Telling a kid they should not date so-and-so, well, they probably already heard that. Knowing that teen, and understanding them provides the tool for you to help them learn to make decisions. It is not about our decisions -- but, empowering them to make their own (right) decisions.

[Ron Davis]

I find myself constantly wondering how far I am able to go as far as stepping into a person's life, as a youth leader. Like, I am not their parents. Probably a good thing to some extent.
But keeping far enough away as so not to seem like I am prying into too private of issues. Like, am I to tell a teen not to date so and so because I have herd that so and so is only interested in sex and not you. I feel if I did that, that I may loose some respect from them.
On the other hand it is really hard to watch a destructive lifestyle. Where do you draw the line? If the parents are walking the same line and teaching it to their kid as acceptable you have another problem...

My number one challenge is how to teach kids contrary to what they are being taught at home. I have found the kids will talk to me when they are ready.

My approach runs along the lines of Philippians 4:8, rather than "don't touch, don't taste."

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

[Dale Cozby]

If you want advice about finances you should go to a person who has been successful with money. Not someone who has declared bankruptcy a couple of times.

If you want advice on health and fitness, don't take it from a the overweight McDonald's patron.

Likewise if you want a model of sexual purity find someone that has been pure and done it right. Not a person that says, "don't do what I did" that is a pretty poor example and even considered hypocritical by some teens.

We are called to take the narrow path that few tread. So we need to find those few who have gone before us and seek thier counsel.

Helping kids to reject morally bankrupt parents as a role model is tough.
But I tell them we must all at some time stop looking to the imperfect examples we have around us and start looking at the perfect example. Jesus.

I must stop looking at my parents, even though they were good and moral people and replace them with the perfect- Jesus. As Christians we are called by his name and are part of His family, so we are encouraged by those who take up His image.

Helping kids find the balance between loving thier earthly family while embracing the Savior as thier true role model is the trick. Often parents feel jeolous and suspicious of the church. We have to get them on our side that we all want what is best for thier child, most parents want thier kids to have it "better"(meaning not make the same mistakes they did) than they did and thus we find common ground with the parents.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

[Genevieve Boller]

Well, I wish I had some good answers (like everyone, eh?), but really we can only do what we can do, and a huge part of that is surrendering it to God. Daily. Hourly...any time the urge to despair comes in.

I and my husband work with the teens and we (just this week) are starting two small groups for them - I'll lead the girls and he'll lead the guys.

I felt God's leading to do this, and the reason I'm thinking (or at least desperately hoping) it may be effective is that we're separating them and giving them a chance to discuss things sincerely and candidly without the opposite sex present.

I'm leading the girls through "The Truth About Guys" by Chad Eastham. My goal, and my prayer, is that the girls come away with a true understanding of

~WHAT sex really is - and more importantly what it isn't (it won't make you happier, cooler, more popular, etc.)
~WHO they are in Christ - their intrinsic, immeasurable value and why giving the ultimate gift to someone who doesn't deserve it is a very bad idea
~WHY sexuality is dangerous outside of a lifelong commitment - not just the spiritual reasons, but the psychological, sociological, and physical reasons as well (and how God's wisdom protects us on ALL of those fronts if we follow His plan)
~WHEN and WHERE sex is a good idea (married!) and what they can look forward to if they do it right.

Basically, I am hoping to reach them through the inside instead of preaching to/at them from the outside.

The bottom line, though, is that this is God's work. I have to remember that even if every single one of these precious young people screw up royally, they will never be beyond God's healing, redemption, and renewal. My husband and I are good examples of that, so looking in the mirror serves as a good reminder for me to trust God--He'll fix them--it's just my job to speak truth to them and let God do the real work.

This is a battle, but we know who wins the war! ;)

**DOH! I just noticed this thread is a YEAR OLD!!! Oh well...maybe my post will be helpful to someone anyway!***

[Mark Doble]

Well, I wish I had some good answers (like everyone, eh?), but really we can only do what we can do, and a huge part of that is surrendering it to God. Daily. Hourly...any time the urge to despair comes in.

I and my husband work with the teens and we (just this week) are starting two small groups for them - I'll lead the girls and he'll lead the guys.

I felt God's leading to do this, and the reason I'm thinking (or at least desperately hoping) it may be effective is that we're separating them and giving them a chance to discuss things sincerely and candidly without the opposite sex present.

I'm leading the girls through "The Truth About Guys" by Chad Eastham. My goal, and my prayer, is that the girls come away with a true understanding of

~WHAT sex really is - and more importantly what it isn't (it won't make you happier, cooler, more popular, etc.)
~WHO they are in Christ - their intrinsic, immeasurable value and why giving the ultimate gift to someone who doesn't deserve it is a very bad idea
~WHY sexuality is dangerous outside of a lifelong commitment - not just the spiritual reasons, but the psychological, sociological, and physical reasons as well (and how God's wisdom protects us on ALL of those fronts if we follow His plan)
~WHEN and WHERE sex is a good idea (married!) and what they can look forward to if they do it right.

Basically, I am hoping to reach them through the inside instead of preaching to/at them from the outside.

The bottom line, though, is that this is God's work. I have to remember that even if every single one of these precious young people screw up royally, they will never be beyond God's healing, redemption, and renewal. My husband and I are good examples of that, so looking in the mirror serves as a good reminder for me to trust God--He'll fix them--it's just my job to speak truth to them and let God do the real work.

This is a battle, but we know who wins the war! ;)

**DOH! I just noticed this thread is a YEAR OLD!!! Oh well...maybe my post will be helpful to someone anyway!***

Wow! A year already eh!
Not to worry cause I'm still here... No matter what ya tell em they still have their own free choices. Over the past year we have had some successes with the above topic. Last week we had 28 kids and 24 have given their lives to Christ! Our prayer is that every teen who walks through our doors will be saved! Our circle of influence of teens has risen from 3, three years ago to now about 130! We influence about 15% of the Local High School.
We are right on target... God has blessed our youth ministry immensely. Teens are accepting Christ almost on a weekly basis. That is now our main goal. Many of our teens have been saved from a life of promiscuity. God is good eh!
Our older teens are now leading small groups and leading others to Christ!
Some teens are even bringing their parents to church. Our S.S. group has grown from 6 to upwards of 23 teens. It's all about Christ...
Just keep on plugging away! :basic01

[Ron Corwin]

WE only have 3 hrs per week max to influence them. Other influences are peers, parents (most of whom do not find church important enough to attend), tv, movies, ect. It is no wonder that they stray away.

[Joanne Vergin]

Since I have 4 kids and 2 of them teens this is one thing I pray about a lot.

[Marilyn Lawson]

Wow! A year already eh!
Not to worry cause I'm still here... No matter what ya tell em they still have their own free choices. :basic01

That is the most scarry part.

I have seen the effects of having sex before marriage - I know because I have lived it. (I don't regret my kids - maybe might have been different if I was married, Not sure)

I have seen my son have a child and now the child is gone.

I can't say to my kids - you can't do that! I can't say - you will get hurt doing it!
They don't believe me, until they make that fatal mistake or misjudgement. I found out the hard way myself.

We can be there and give advise or examples - but they make the final choice.
The bigger issue for me is how you react to them if they make a harder choice.

Mark I love the fact you pray non stop for them - Keep doing it.

I wish that was available more for kids in my area of town.

Mar