If you have been married 25 years or longer ...

[Dave McClung]

If you have been married 25 years or longer, what one piece of advice would you give to those who are just starting out?

Linda and I have been married 45 years. This week, I was reflecting on the various things that have made our marriage a success. I would say that the number one thing is that we have prayed together every day of our marriage when we have been together. I am convinced that sharing a time of prayer every day makes a marriage stronger.

[Hans Deventer]

Dave, I would agree with the prayer but elaborate a little. Every Sunday night (of course the specific time doesn't matter) we reflect on last week, and check if there's anything that needs to be shared, said or whatever about how we interacted in that week. Then we look at the week ahead so that we both know what's going on in each other's lives. And then we pray. This is apart from our daily prayers, obviously.

[Doug Ward]

This is not as lofty as your advice, but I would tell a new couple there will be seasons where feelings come and go. Times when all will feel right, and times when it may seem you are trudging along -- expect it. These are not signs that anything is wrong. Keep going and keep loving.

[Pete Vecchi]

It is ironic that this whole idea about marriages has come up about 3 separate times from separate sources in the past couple of days--just after I read again an article from Keith Drury the other day which he wrote nearly 5 years ago. The article is dealing with the idea that by and large, most people will be average, and that is just the reality. Regarding marriage, here are some of his words:

My students have such high standards for marriage that I fear most of them are being setup for disappointment. They have loaded into marriage all kinds of expectations that a spouse was never intended to fulfill. They have lengthy lists of characteristics in the front of their Bibles (which they wrote at youth camp) stating exactly what they expect of their husband and they expect their personal Cupid-God to do their shopping for them. I’ve seen these lists! Jesus Christ Himself couldn’t live up to the expectations! They are idealistic, unrealistic and even legalistic. They want a man “who will make me feel great about myself” or a woman who “will pray diligently for me and support me in my ministry.” I’m not saying these things are not good things, they just aren’t average and most of us end up with less. No wonder so many later say, “Maybe I got the wrong one.”
Years ago I heard [my wife] Sharon put it this way in a marriage seminar. She said, “I am not trying to have a great marriage—I’m going for good, long and strong.” It made sense. And we’ve had a pretty good marriage so far (going on 40 years long this summer). But we have not loaded down the marriage with obligations that can be met elsewhere. I don’t shop for dresses with my wife more than a few hours a year—her girlfriends are better at that than I am. And she doesn’t go backpacking with me more than once a year either—I’ve found other friends who can do that. We have not “failed” each other in this, we just didn’t expect a spouse to fill all our needs and preferences. I’ll take “good, long and strong” any day over “great, short and weak.”

--Drury, Keith, http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/mediocrity.htm, January 9, 2007

I don't know that I can say it any better.

[David Lyons]

If you have been married 25 years or longer, what one piece of advice would you give to those who are just starting out?

Having been married for over 29 years now, the first advice that comes to my head is to never go to bed angry with each other. Settle things first.

Of course, putting God first in marriage, as with all things in life, should always be the starting point.

[Dana Grant]

Well, all of the above.....but another thing we promised each other when we got married -- seems like people were always complaining about their spouses and criticizing them. We promised each other that we would not criticize each other in public, and we never have. Some things need to be taken care of in private. So, I try to uplift my husband, not tear him down. And especially in public. Of course, I really don't have much to complain about anyway....so keeping that promise has been pretty easy!!! ha ha

[John Reilly]

Debbie and I have been married 34 years. We start each day together at breakfast reading the Bible, sharing a devotional book, some discussion and having prayer. These are important spiritual disciplines for nurturing a marriage and one's own spirit.

[Marsha Lynn]

Having been married for over 29 years now, the first advice that comes to my head is to never go to bed angry with each other. Settle things first.

Do most happily married couples follow this advice? Maybe it depends on personality. Some people become less rational when they are tired and can't see their way out of a paper bag.

Sometimes a good night's sleep is what is needed to get a new view of that dead horse and realize that it is not nearly worth the effort it would have taken to keep beating on it for another hour in a cloud of exhaustion. Things can look very different by morning's light.

I know my husband and I are not the only long-married couple to discover the benefits of putting the discussion on hold while we both get some sleep, but "resolve it by bedtime" is still popular advice for newlyweds so I guess it must work for a lot of people.

Marsha
(33 years of paddling the same canoe mixed in with the occasional night of sleeping against a cold shoulder)

[Dave McClung]

Do most happily married couples follow this advice? Maybe it depends on personality. Some people become less rational when they are tired and can't see their way out of a paper bag.

Sometimes a good night's sleep is what is needed to get a new view of that dead horse and realize that it is not nearly worth the effort it would have taken to keep beating on it for another hour in a cloud of exhaustion. Things can look very different by morning's light.

I know my husband and I are not the only long-married couple to discover the benefits of putting the discussion on hold while we both get some sleep, but "resolve it by bedtime" is still popular advice for newlyweds so I guess it must work for a lot of people.

Marsha
(33 years of paddling the same canoe mixed in with the occasional night of sleeping against a cold shoulder)

Marsha

I don't think your approach is in violation of the principle. Anger is an emotion. You are correctly suggesting that you and your husband can have differences of opinion that last more than one day. I agree. Anger and disagreement are two different things.

My advice is to deal with emotions quickly and take time your time to resolve rational differences.

Dave

[Sarah Smith]

I don't rearrange his toolbox and he doesn't rearrange my kitchen.

That is to say each of us has spheres where the other defers to our judgement. Each of us has responsibilities. Each of us has "rank", just in different areas.

[David Lyons]

I know my husband and I are not the only long-married couple to discover the benefits of putting the discussion on hold while we both get some sleep, but "resolve it by bedtime" is still popular advice for newlyweds so I guess it must work for a lot of people.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, please don't go around misquoting me. I never said anything about resolving an issue. I said to not go to bed angry with each other. In other words, kiss and make up, whether the issue is resolved or not. I am resolved to knowing that I always love my wife and want her to know that she is more important to me than winning an argument. On that part, she will come around to the correct viewpoint eventually.

This is similar to choosing to love even if the feelings are not as strong as they once were. (I think someone's advice was close to this thought.)

oops: I just re-read my original post. I guess I did say "settle things first". Hopefully, this post explains what I meant by that. Or what I should have meant by that in any case.

[Bill Morrison]

[QUOTE=Sarah Smith;103283]I don't rearrange his toolbox and he doesn't rearrange my kitchen.

Kay never rearranges my toolbox, but once in a while she takes one of the tools and doesn't put it back for weeks. We have been married for 38 years so I apparently have learned to control my rage over this

BILL

[Billy Cox]

If you have been married 25 years or longer, what one piece of advice would you give to those who are just starting out?

Linda and I have been married 45 years. This week, I was reflecting on the various things that have made our marriage a success. I would say that the number one thing is that we have prayed together every day of our marriage when we have been together. I am convinced that sharing a time of prayer every day makes a marriage stronger.

My wife and I have only been married for 20 years, so maybe the next five years will show everything we have done for two decades to be false, but I don't think so.

My advice is simple. Work out your own marriage with fear and trembling; apply yourself with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength to the most important relationship in your life.

Specific applications arising from this principle:

• Consider what other people do to keep their marriage strong, but in small doses, and with a large grain of salt. You didn't marry them, after all.
• Recognize that in time, your spouse will be different from the person you married...and vice versa. Resolve ahead of time to manage that change, not to resist it, not to try and control it.
• Forgive your spouse for their shortcomings...even the ones that they are unable to change.

Anything more specific than this will probably not be very helpful to a newly married couple and could actually make them feel condemned for what they do or don't do or for what would never make sense in their relationship. They are different than us, and our advice tends to be context-specific.

[Gina Stevenson]

About being "context specific," Billy ... for a lot of things, yes. But there's been some general, overall advice here, that could be applied to all contexts to the benefit of those living therein [such as that praying together ... one has to give up some anger to be able to do this, even when not "feeling" like it]. Yes, that ~~ and taking time for a bit of fun ~~ is one thing learned, tho' only a short 4.5 years before Danny died.

[Marsha Lynn]

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, please don't go around misquoting me. I never said anything about resolving an issue. I said to not go to bed angry with each other. In other words, kiss and make up, whether the issue is resolved or not. I am resolved to knowing that I always love my wife and want her to know that she is more important to me than winning an argument. On that part, she will come around to the correct viewpoint eventually.

This is similar to choosing to love even if the feelings are not as strong as they once were. (I think someone's advice was close to this thought.)

oops: I just re-read my original post. I guess I did say "settle things first". Hopefully, this post explains what I meant by that. Or what I should have meant by that in any case.

Thanks, David. I guess it's good advice. I'd certainly LIKE to clear the air every evening but don't find that always to be a possibility. I have learned to allow sleep to do its work when a lack of it stirs up negative emotions.

Maybe my advice is this ... Begin with the end in mind. When you realize that you're going to stick around right to the "death do us part" finale, it makes a difference in the in-between moments. At times I have said to myself, "Self, when all this is over, you are still going to be married and will need to make peace with one another." It takes the idea of never getting over it off the table and changes the consideration to what it will take to move on.

Another consideration is to invest heavily in community. When divorce includes not only "Who will get the house and the kids?" but "Who will get the church and all our friends?" it helps make reconciliation look more attractive than calling it quits. After years of small-town living and seeing many marriages end in divorce, I can remember only one divorce where my first question was, "But who will get the church?" In spite of statistics that say divorce is as prevalent among Christians as among pagans, my observation of couples who are both committed to a local church doesn't at all support those findings. We celebrate a lot of anniversaries!

[Bill Morrison]

my advice is simple. Work out your own marriage with fear and trembling;

aaaaaaaaaaamen!

Bill

[Dennis M. Scott]

42 years ago, my new bride fixed macaroni and cheese for part of one of our first meals. Before we sat down to eat, she took a spoon and cleaned out the last couple of pieces and ate them. I announced that in my home, we wouldn't be eating out of the pan. Two things changed shortly thereafter: First, we decided that neither of us would make announcements without extensive collaboration, and second, every year - once or twice - I eat macaroni and cheese right out of the pan.

[Jon Bemis]

Janie and I have been married nearly 37 years. I would add to the great advice given above:

Live in the present.
Always assume best intentions.
Care about what your spouse cares about.
Remember that worse will be followed by better if you hang in there.
Never give up.

[Billy Cox]

Janie and I have been married nearly 37 years. I would add to the great advice given above:

Live in the present.
Always assume best intentions.
Care about what your spouse cares about.
Remember that worse will be followed by better if you hang in there.
Never give up.

To those, I would add:

Keep your sense of humor close at hand.

[Gina Stevenson]

To those, I would add:

Keep your sense of humor close at hand.

And here's a link to a place that might help one do just that:

http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingth...m_content=lmst

They even have seminars ... and a TV program which I sometimes find amusing [tho' usually "right on"] ... rather draws me into wishing I could apply such things again ... someday.

[Greg Gates]

all of your differing perspectives are coming up with some great answers. thanks

[Jon Bemis]

And here's a link to a place that might help one do just that:

http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingth...m_content=lmst


They even have seminars ... and a TV program which I sometimes find amusing [tho' usually "right on"] ... rather draws me into wishing I could apply such things again ... someday.

We saw Mark Gungor in person this past Tuesday evening at the Chattanooga Great Date Night sponsored by First Things First. He is one of the funniest speakers I've heard in some time. This was part of his presentation - well worth watching!