Advice For Soon-to-be Married Pastor Couple

[Michael Flowers]

Hey all, my fiance and I are getting married next Saturday (June 16) and I just thought I would open myself up to generic advice for a newlywed couple. Specifically any thoughts/advice for a minister and wife would be appreciated.

[Wes Smith]

Michaiel & Fiance,

Congratulations and Best Wishes!

First, If I had it to do all over again, I'd get dead serious about the "saving 10%" piece of John Wesley's advice. We found it was easy to give 10% and to live pretty frugally, but we were not always as devoted to the saving piece as we should have been. Also, in retrospect, I would have made a special fund out of all gratuities (weddings, funerals, gifts, speaking engagements, etc.).

Second, get serious about helping your wife to know that she is number one in your life. And, find creative ways to let your congregation know the same thing. Keep nice pics of her in your office. In fact, I'd recommend that you develop a little "sanctified shrine" of your family in your office. It will keep you reminded that the most important people in your life are boosting and blessing you and they are the ones you ultimately want to please. In a reverse sort of way, I tried to keep a list of people in my mind, and on paper, that I would not like to have to go to and say I had failed in marriage...my mother (dad was already in heaven), my siblings, College profs, College friends, etc.)

Third, and this is just for Michael and his fiance. Everyone else quit reading now. Place a high priority on good, uh, romance. Good romance comes with a price, but is free. Never settle for average. Always seek to excel. As you would feel comfortable asking for financial and health advice, get comfortable asking people you trust for good romance advice. My stated goal in pre-marital, even marital, counseling was full disclosure in this area. Said my goal was to embarass all three of us. If I hadn't, I hadn't done my job. Explore Sheldon Vanaucken's "shining barrier" in his "A Severe Mercy."

Absolutely no children until you have successfully raised a disciplined dog. The principles are nearly the same. Errant, undisciplined children will distract from your ministry.

Enough from this guy. Eager to read what others will contribute!

Friend,

Wes

[David Graham]

In addition to what Wes has written, (and I particularly like his "Give 10% and Save 10%") I would say have fun in your ministry, you're there for a long time so you may as well have a "good time"! And take vacations together away from your parish every year. You don't know how long you have to be with each other.... make the most of every day!
No-one ever looks back on their lives and wishes that they spent more time in the office....... but they do remember how much time (or how little time) they spent with their loved ones.

Congratulations to you both, and may some of your problems be "little ones".

[John Reilly]

Michael, congratulations! My advice is to do your best to be "Present with God" in the moments of the Sacramental Wedding Ceremony. Try to squeeze time, make time stop and hear the words of the ancient sacrament, "... Christ adorned and beautified with his first miracle in Cana of Galilee." My wife and I have been married 34 years this July 1 and the moments of our wedding ceremony are present in my mind. Your life, your marriage and your Sacramental Wedding are all part of your witness as Paul said, "This is a profound mystery."

[Valisha Trammell Hall]

If your wife works outside of the home, be an equal partner in the house/yard care department. I think most men have no idea how tired and resentful a woman can become over the years when she is expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, and maintenance of the home on top of a job outside the home. A man helping around the house is very "romantic".

[Michael Flowers]

Oh, and my fiance's name is Mindy Phillips and she is from Rennselaer, IN (oddly enough the first place I spoke with a DS about pastoring before the church decided to interview someone else they heard about). She and I met when I filled the pulpit at her nondenominational church (her pastor is a Nazarene elder) last July 3. Just some details to fill any curious minds.

Thank you for what has been posted so far, I look forward to seeing what else will be said.

[G R 'Scott' Cundiff]

Wishing you the very best. Congratulations!

[Chuck Fountain]

Congratulations! Make sure that your priorities are God, FAMILY, and then other things. As a pastor make sure that you family has priority in planning your calendar. Put them on the calendar, be present for the things that are important for you wife, and children in the future, give them the same or higher priority that you would to any other scheduled commitment. Chuck

[Greg Gates]

This may seem weird, but since you asked... I recommend googling "pastor's wife" and reading a multitude of horror stories about their experiences. While the husband will never have that exact experience, yet knowing/acknowledging what your pastor wife has to deal with will help.

[Susan Unger]

Oh, and my fiance's name is Mindy Phillips and she is from Rennselaer, IN (oddly enough the first place I spoke with a DS about pastoring before the church decided to interview someone else they heard about). She and I met when I filled the pulpit at her nondenominational church (her pastor is a Nazarene elder) last July 3. Just some details to fill any curious minds.

Thank you for what has been posted so far, I look forward to seeing what else will be said.

My Aunt and family live in Rensselaer. They are UMC though. I'll have to ask them if they know her.

[Dave McClung]

Hey all, my fiance and I are getting married next Saturday (June 16) and I just thought I would open myself up to generic advice for a newlywed couple. Specifically any thoughts/advice for a minister and wife would be appreciated.

If you have not already done so, start having a time of prayer together every day! Don't allow your busy schedules to prevent it. Couples who pray together stay together.

[Nelson Bradford]

Compliment your bride every day . . . the way she looks/cooks/cares for you - anything.

[Bob Hunter]

No shortage of advice here.

I can sum my advice up in one word: Boundaries. Knowing when to say "Yes" and when to say "No." If you say yes to everything, you lose your ability to say no. Saying no to people can be very positive no matter how many guilt trips they respond with.

[Michael Flowers]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. These are definitely words of wisdom.

[Jennifer Wilkerson]

Hey Michael,
Do you pastor on the IL District? If so, I am from there...my Dad and Grandpa both have pastored on the district. My Grandpa started Mattoon EastSide.

[Daniel Hamlin]

Put the seat down.

Now, on a more serious note, notice things around the house that need done (possibly work that she would typically do), and do it yourself without being asked. Be thoughtful and caring in the little things of life. Surprise her occasionally with her favorite ice cream. Think of her in all you do.

[Michael Flowers]

Hey Michael,
Do you pastor on the IL District? If so, I am from there...my Dad and Grandpa both have pastored on the district. My Grandpa started Mattoon EastSide.

Yes, I pastor what used to be Mattoon First Church of the Nazarene and is now called Real Life Community.

[Michael Flowers]

Put the seat down.

Now, on a more serious note, notice things around the house that need done (possibly work that she would typically do), and do it yourself without being asked. Be thoughtful and caring in the little things of life. Surprise her occasionally with her favorite ice cream. Think of her in all you do.

Excellent advice, although I'll have to come up with some other favorite to surprise her with. Mindy isn't supposed to have dairy.

[Gina Stevenson]

Put the seat down.

Great idea! Half asleep during a pit stop, did not notice one night that it was up ... wet ending resulted! Had to laugh after the initial shock ... but Danny did leave it down after that, feeling a bit responsible for the mishap.

(much other good advice here in this thread, too, btw.)

[Susan Unger]

Listen to her when she speaks. And not a "I'm listening so that I can give her advice" kind of listening, but listening just to hear her heart.

[Steven Burton]

One word of advice the wedding should be a fun day not something you are over stressed about or her either. I know in my service to make it more relaxed we had some fun with the audience before we actually started the "real ceremony". Just ask Roland he can tell you. Such as funny lines and pulling a fake tommy gun out from under a plant and threatening the audience. We where gonna have the "Imperial March" for when Charlotte walked down the isle but someone at SNU already beat us to it. Just remember relax and breathe.

Of course knowing most girls she probably already had some of this planned out so my advice might be a little to late.

Remember neither one of you can read each others minds. So talk and talk a lot.

[Michael Flowers]

One word of advice the wedding should be a fun day not something you are over stressed about or her either. I know in my service to make it more relaxed we had some fun with the audience before we actually started the "real ceremony". Just ask Roland he can tell you. Such as funny lines and pulling a fake tommy gun out from under a plant and threatening the audience. We where gonna have the "Imperial March" for when Charlotte walked down the isle but someone at SNU already beat us to it. Just remember relax and breathe.

Of course knowing most girls she probably already had some of this planned out so my advice might be a little to late.

Remember neither one of you can read each others minds. So talk and talk a lot.

Surprisingly she had very little of it planned out, she hadn't ever really thought about it. I have felt like I expect more out of the actual ceremony than she does in some ways, but I have forced her to decide what she wants on certain things.

As far as fun, I wrote the song to which she will walk down the aisle and my dad will sing it (I'll also sing a part of it) so I think that will be pretty special and fun.

[Katelynn Scott]

I'm a double pastor's kid and now a pastor's wife. So here are some pieces of advice that are a bit more non-traditional:

(1) My dad would sometimes use us kids as sermon illustrations. Sometimes they were silly and fun, sometimes embarrassing. I'm sure that he meant well, but I have found that if you are going to be spoken about from the pulpit (from a parent or spouse), it's should be something complimentary or not anything at all. When Ryan uses me in his sermons in a complimentary way or says something he's proud of, I feel extremely respected. Just because you live with someone doesn't mean you can use their life as a lesson without their permission. If you're not sure, ask first. ;o )

(2) Work to help your wife cultivate meaningful relationships with the spouses of other church leaders. The ministry can be a lonely place, and if there is more than one pastor on staff, the pastors can talk amongst themselves. But it's important for spouses to have friends who understand their position as well. If you are at a church as the only pastor, get together occasionally with other pastoral couples on your district. Your get-togethers shouldn't be a session in which to bash annoying people in your church or to complain about crazies. Rather, converse about encouraging things that have happened, or your life outside of the church (have you seen a good movie lately??).

(3) Finally, view your home as your private, protected space. Even if it's a parsonage owned by the church, it is YOUR home. It is not open for anyone at any time. People will come knock on your door at random times, but you're welcome to ask them to stay on the porch while you go back in to grab that key or tool or phone number or whatever random thing they need. The last thing your spouse needs is to feel like she's always got to have presentable clothes on because someone might come walking into her living room at any time. Sometimes you want to be able to sit on your couch in your yucky jammies with your crazy hair and not be bothered. On the flip side, do invite people over occasionally. But set the date ahead of time. And tell your wife you've done so. ;o )

[Michael Flowers]

Well, the wedding went very well and we were told by many that it was one of the most beautiful they have ever attended. God has truly blessed us already.

[Wes Smith]

Just one more piece of advice.

No internet for the first week after your wedding.

Friend,

Wes

[Bob Hunter]

Just one more piece of advice.

No internet for the first week after your wedding.

Friend,

Wes

There is some real wisdom in what you are saying. A good husband should take responsibility for his electronic devices and know where the "OFF" button is! It is nice to go offline not just on your honeymoon, but at other critical times (use your imagination). Nothing can kill the moment more than a vibrating cell phone in the middle or romance.

[Dan Henderson]

All this advice is wel and good. I should have weighed in sooner but here is the best advice I can give you:

Be the Man!

http://humor.beecy.net/menwomen/mansong/

[Alisa Stoll]

These are what I shared with another couple last fall:
1. Love isn't always a feeling, it's a decision.
2. Never keep secrets from each other.
3. Never assume.
4. Be each other's champion. No matter what, take your spouse’s side first!
5. Compliment more than you criticize.
6. For each time you vent about your spouse to your friends, tell three positive stories.
7. Remember that it is ok to do things differently (e.g. there is more than one way to peel a potato or fold the laundry).
8. Always make time for the two of you.
9. Remember that "love is like childhood. You need to learn to share."
10. Pick up after yourself – your spouse is not your personal maid. - Pick up for the other person – it’s nice to be pampered once in a while
11. Marriage is not 50/50, it's two people giving 100/100 all of the time.
12. Surprise each other now and then.
13. Never pass up an opportunity to say "I love you".
14. Besides “I love you”, “Please” and “Thank you” are the three most important words in a marriage.
15. Hold hands.
16. Hug & kiss every day (several times a day actually!).
17. Always believe that you got better than you deserved.
18. Always respect each other – if you wouldn’t treat a co-worker that way, don’t do it to your spouse.
19. Never underestimate the power of a good belly-laugh and don't be afraid to laugh at yourself.
20. It's the little things that matter most.
21. Never go to bed angry. (Unless it's 3 a.m. and you're exhausted, angry, and not thinking straight and even then share the bed.)
22. Communication is the key! – A spouse is not a mind reader.
23. Remember that people do fight. It's how you do it that matters.
24. Before starting an argument, consider if it's really worth it.
25. Agree to disagree.
26. Never, ever mention the "D" word (divorce).
27. Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
28. Be quick to say "I'm sorry".
29. Never use the words 'Always' or 'Never' in a fight.
30. Never compare your marriage to others. What you see on the outside is not always what it is on the inside.

[Gina Stevenson]

Great list, Alisa! A keeper.

Years ago I did this sort of thing with the alphabet (around here somewhere).