What to do about a forum participant who drives you crazy

[G R 'Scott' Cundiff]

I'm asking this for someone else who will remain anonymous (as you know, I love you all)...

A forum regular doesn't like you. When they respond to your posts it is always in a negative, unfriendly tone. They seem to get along with most others okay, but you've seen that they are always harsh toward you and a few others. You've tried to address the issue with them, but the response was predictably unproductive.

So, what would you do? (Funny answers may be funny, but they won't help this person, who seriously wants some help - so keep that in mind as you reply.)

[Andy Mistak]

I think the only options after attempting to address the issue with them are to stop interacting with them or try not to let them bother you. I've had to put a few folks on my "ignore" list, and I'm sure I'm on a few people's ignore lists.

[Craig Laughlin]

Yeah, I'm with Andy. The way to handle people that drive you crazy is to ignore them. I haven't put anyone on my list (I'm pretty thick skinned) but I'm reasonably confident I've made the list of some.

[Bill Morrison]

I think the only options after attempting to address the issue with them are to stop interacting with them or try not to let them bother you. I've had to put a few folks on my "ignore" list, and I'm sure I'm on a few people's ignore lists.

What Andy said. (and I hope I'm not on his "ignore" list!)
Like me, many of you could probably construct a (short) list of Naznetters who seem to despise each other.
It is a shame that even on Naznet we can't all get along, but I suppose that is the world we live in. I admit there are a few I am reluctant to interact with on some issues, just because it looks like a waste of their time and mine.
In addition (and seriously):
1. "pray for those who despitefully use you"
2. "if it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men"

BILL

[Peggy Gray]

Like me, many of you could probably construct a (short) list of Naznetters who seem to despise each other.
It is a shame that even on Naznet we can't all get along, but I suppose that is the world we live in. I admit there are a few I am reluctant to interact with on some issues, just because it looks like a waste of their time and mine.
In addition (and seriously):
1. "pray for those who despitefully use you"
2. "if it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men"

BILL

I agree with Bill, word for word. If a forum regular is habitually negative, unfriendly and harsh "toward you and a few others", that person obviously knows how to be mean without technically breaking Naznet's rules. Such a person thrives on your reaction. Don't get sucked into it. There's somebody on every forum who will respond to "the sky is blue" with "no it isn't, and you're stupid". As my daughter used to say as a teenager, "That's THEIR mental problem, it doesn't have to be mine." What's sad is that the person no doubt sincerely believes that he/she has a Christlike attitude.

[Dana Grant]

I have actually had this happen to me, where another NazNetter does not like me. I have chosen to stay out of their way for the most part. And, no, that's not funny. It's just the way that I have chosen to handle it. I have too much to do in my "real" life to worry about this situation. Maybe that's not the right way to handle it, but it has been how I've chosen to do so.

[Steven Martinez]

My first thought is that I hope that it's not me who is the one being harsh to someone. I do realize that I come off somewhat abrasive at times.

On the other hand, there are a few forum regulars who don't like me very much, although. I've found that I need to love them and I need to work toward understanding wherever it is that they are coming from. So far without result, but that's ok. Of course loving someone doesn't mean that you let them bully you, so whomever you are you have a right to share your opinion. And you have no obligation to agree with someone, if it takes agreement to end animosity, then your dealing with someone with control issues.

Most importantly remember that somebody here does like you, and that's far more important than the one who doesn't.

And there are a few with whom I've realized that conversation with them invariably leads to conflict. I read their posts, but I've made it a point to not answer them, it's not that I dislike them but rather that interaction will surely make us both miserable and I have no desire to make them miserable.

(Ignoring)

ETA: I hope everyone knows this is joke.

[Jim Franklin]

I pray for all NazNetters and wish them the best of God's blessings. To me this forum is to share our lives, experience and opinions and for us older ones to share our experiential knowledge and possibly offer a little guidance where it seems to be appropriate. I see this as a responsibility to do as the song says, "May all of those who come behind us find us faithful."

[Hans Deventer]

The problem with the ignore option is of course that it can ignore the original posts, but not the quotes of these posts. Which means, it doesn't really help a lot. And for moderators, it doesn't work at all, they can't ignore people.

For the rest, I've found that with some you disagree to such an extent that no meaningful conversation is possible. We simply worship different images of God, that have very little in common, if anything at all. And even if we agree on words, it turns out the words mean something different. That leads to disagreements on pretty much any subject. It makes discussion impossible and useless and it is the main reason why I created the PTT forum, to at least create a space with some basic presuppositions that will allow for more meaningful exchanges. It seems that until Jesus returns to straighten us all out, this is the only way to proceed. It's the reason why we have so many denominations. A dreadful phenomenon but it sure beats burning one another at the stake like we used to.

The second thing is to avoid as much as possible reading the CE forum. After all, it's only politics.

The third is self restraint. I succeed 9 out of 10 times, but sometimes my blood boils over reading such a caricature of the God I love. It feels like accusing my wife to be a whore, and that hurts deeply. And it does make me wonder how long I can keep this up.

[David Pettigrew]

I have had other naznetters who weren't mean to me, but whose posts drove me crazy because I simply couldn't decipher what in the world they were saying. I just choose to skip over their posts.

[Cam Pence]

With respect to my pacifist friends....perhaps body slam them

[Bob Carabbio]

So, what would you do?

I simply Speak my mind on whatever subject is being discussed, and which has caught my in as "Personally honest" and straightforward a fashion as I'm personally capable of, Sign my real name to it, and let the chips fall where they may. HEY!! I'm 70 now, and age has its privileges including Free Senior Coffee at Whataburger!!

Of course, I've been in the "net" and participating on Forums for well over a decade now. And as a Pentecostal/Charismatic I've been REGULARLY "Corrected" and "Shown the truth" by any number of folks who don't share my mindset, and take their Denominational Doctrines MUCH more seriously than I do my own.

SO Naturally, my skin is now 4" thick, and made of stainless steel - i.e. it's simply beyond other poster's capabilities to "Drive me crazy".

But (personal admission) I DO sometimes "Mess with" antagonists - kind of like poking a stick through the bars at the Zoo to make the animals roar.

Most of the forums I inhabit in the evening (instead of watching Honey Boo Boo, or "I found the gown") are much more - "combative" than this one, of course.

One thing I learned years ago is that people NEED "Strokes" - and our social interactions (even at textual level) will yield either POSITIVE stokes, or NEGATIVE strokes. "POSITIVE" strokes are preferable, of course, BUT -

If one's attitudes and lack of interpersonal skills don't tend to bring "Positive" strokes, then "Negative Strokes" will work just as well - since at least they're "being recognized". NO reaction is the thing that will make 'em "go away".

[Billy Cox]

With respect to my pacifist friends....perhaps body slam them

You can count on them not striking back.

[Cam Pence]

You can count on them not striking back.

Well now I feel bad......nobody body slam anyone...and if you do, don't tell them I told you to.

[Billy Cox]

A forum regular doesn't like you. When they respond to your posts it is always in a negative, unfriendly tone.

These two are not logically connected. I assume that your 'friend' does not believe that they are the mere sum of all their posts. So it stands to reason that consistently negative responses are not an indicate of personal dislike, but rather that there is something in terms of worldview or tone in your friend's posts that triggers negativity.

They seem to get along with most others okay, but you've seen that they are always harsh toward you and a few others. You've tried to address the issue with them, but the response was predictably unproductive.

Maybe your friend could ask for insight from one of those people with whom the antagonist seems to have affinity. Maybe the person is responding to something in you friend's blindspot. We all have them, and by definition, It is something that we are unaware of. This is where a third party could shed much needed light.

So, what would you do?

I would start by asking myself why a particular person drives me crazy and then consider what I have done to encourage that behavior. Do they know how I feel about our history of negative interaction? Really?? Do I value that person and the community we happen to share enough to seek a resolution, or do I need to just use the forum's ignore feature?. I would also avoid baiting that person while making sure not to take any of their bait.

[Marsha Lynn]

Scott, I see it happen and feel bad for those involved. Once a person is pegged as a reprobate, it doesn't matter what they say, it receives a negative response from those who seem unable to get past the labels they have applied to certain people. Like Peggy said, even if they say "The sky is blue" it's given a negative interpretation.

One of the best things I have stumbled across in recent years is the third alternative to the fight or flight choice. I forget where I first saw it but someplace someone made a comment about fight, flight, or freeze. Freeze?? That's an option? I never heard of that before. But I have found it to be invaluable. You don't flee -- in this case, leave NazNet. You don't fight -- in this case, try to argue your case. You just stop dead and do nothing and say nothing while waiting for the pain to subside. In this case, I would wait at least a full day before responding in any way and maybe just move on to other conversations.

Any time we respond to bullies, and that's what this is, even when dressed up as Christian reproof, we are opening ourselves to more torment. If we decline to respond to them, they are left either with nothing to say or talking to themselves. If nothing else, that means we are subjected to fewer negative words.

Of course, silence isn't as noticeable a response in this type of setting, so it might sometimes take something more. Maybe a standard response would be good. I'm not coming up with one but it would, in essence say, "It appears to me that you are responding to your negative image of me rather than what I'm saying here. Since I have been consistently unable to overcome your negative perception of me, I will not be responding to this post." If this were my problem, I would pray long and hard about a response that would take the high road while ending the exchange.

The other thing is for the rest of us to engage the actual words people are saying rather than the image we have of them. Perhaps we all need to go out of our way to extend extra grace to the victims of those who can't seem to see past the labels they place on certain people.

Marsha

[Marsha Lynn]

A forum regular doesn't like you. When they respond to your posts it is always in a negative, unfriendly tone.

These two are not logically connected. I assume that your 'friend' does not believe that they are the mere sum of all their posts. So it stands to reason that consistently negative responses are not an indicate of personal dislike, but rather that there is something in terms of worldview or tone in your friend's posts that triggers negativity.

Really?? Do you read the same threads I read? Do you not see this? Yes, it is dislike and a consistent negative reaction. Sure, those involved have different views in a lot of areas, but that's no reason for one to categorize every comment made by the other about the color of the sky as rising out of the person's position as a Democrat/Republican/liberal/conservative/white/black/Hispanic/Russian/communist/Calvinist/Catholic/racist/chauvinist pig.

It reminds me of my high school math teacher who had a "victim" student in every class. No matter what that kid did, the teacher found it to be one more indication of how stupid he was. Anyone else who broke a pencil lead was simply waved to the pencil sharpener, but when his favored victim broke his lead it was because he was too stupid to use his pencil correctly. The teacher got along fine with most of the students, but not his chosen victims. And the problem did NOT lie with the victim, regardless of how inept he was at math or athletics or social interaction or any other skill valued by the teacher.

Sorry, got on my soapbox there. You startled me with your "blame it on the victim" response, given the evidence. Yes, some people are simply obnoxious or easily victimized. But that's not what I'm seeing around here.

'Nuff said. Or maybe too much. But I'll still sign my name to it.

Marsha

[John Kennedy]

Several observations:

The persons alluded to are simply part of the rich NN Mosaic.

If there is such a thing as justice hopefully I annoy them as much.

I really think the people who are continually stressed by violence and frontal nudity (well, maybe not that extreme) on NN need to read some other 'faith-based forums'. They can make a tempestuous thread on CE look like a Quaker love feast (is there actually such a thing or is it kind of like Amish bowling?)

I think there's a somewhat higher level of NN sophistication than there used to be. It used to be a regular thing that someone would recieve some sort of 'word from the Lord' and head to NN to convert the heathen. They would trumpet some sort of bombastic proclamation and then recoil in horror when someone they thought professed to be a Christian would have the temerity to disagree with them.

I would watch 'em get underway and wonder to myself how long 'this one' was going to last. They tended to have a pretty high 'mortality rate'. Either they began to adapt and moderate or they left.
I mean, I was sorry to see them go - they might've been on the verge of the realization that maybe they didn't have a direct line to God and some of them could be extremely amusing (if one had my kind of warped sense of humor).

If you find someone who posts on these forums (especially theology or CE) with the serious expectation of 'converting the heathen' it might be a good idea to check around to see what they're smokin'. To post on controversial topics with anything more than the purpose of showing there are responsible alternative and opposing points of view is to set off on a one way trip down heartbreak highway.

I still firmly believe that, unofficial or not, the opportunity NN provides of airing differing points of view is one of the healthiest things to happen in the Church of the Nazarene.

[Jim Chabot]

(Ignoring)

ETA: I hope everyone knows this is joke.

Thanks for the clarification. I still don't get it but that's ok. It is a relief, last night was a tough one for me.

[Billy Cox]

Really?? Do you read the same threads I read? Do you not see this? Yes, it is dislike and a consistent negative reaction. Sure, those involved have different views in a lot of areas, but that's no reason for one to categorize every comment made by the other about the color of the sky as rising out of the person's position as a Democrat/Republican/liberal/conservative/white/black/Hispanic/Russian/communist/Calvinist/Catholic/racist/chauvinist pig.

It reminds me of my high school math teacher who had a "victim" student in every class. No matter what that kid did, the teacher found it to be one more indication of how stupid he was. Anyone else who broke a pencil lead was simply waved to the pencil sharpener, but when his favored victim broke his lead it was because he was too stupid to use his pencil correctly. The teacher got along fine with most of the students, but not his chosen victims. And the problem did NOT lie with the victim, regardless of how inept he was at math or athletics or social interaction or any other skill valued by the teacher.

Sorry, got on my soapbox there. You startled me with your "blame it on the victim" response, given the evidence. Yes, some people are simply obnoxious or easily victimized. But that's not what I'm seeing around here.

Well, if you review the original post, Scott was asking what his hypothetical friend should do about this person who drives him crazy. I think that asking 'what could I do differently, if anything?' is far more constructive than simply reviewing how stupid and hateful the other person is.

One hazard of online community is the tendency to reduce other people to the sum total of their political/religious positions. Maybe it's just semantics...but I don't think that hating a projected set of positions/ideas is the same as hating the person.

Granted, the other person may feel hated, and perception is reality for that person.

[David Graham]

Rev. H.S. Palmquist was a much loved lecturer at ANTC back in the 70's when I studied there. One piece of advice he gave to us has guided me faithfully over many years of ministry: "Beware of those who are never wrong"!

I.e. Beware of those who think that they have all the answers, who value there own opinions over those of others and perhaps believe that they have a "private" hotline to God by which they discern his absolute truth.

Consequently, when I encounter such people on line or out there in the world, I let them "pontificate" for a while (its better to give them an airing then to do something much more extreme in order to get attention), make a moderate response, and then move on.

Generally we will never change their opinions..... after all they're always right, but we cannot allow wierd or extreme opinions to go unchallenged either.

I know a man who often airs these extreme types of opinions in public at one of my churches. (e.g. Mother Theresa and Billy Graham were/are not really saved and thus won't be in heaven.)

Most of the people simply graciously ignore what he says, but I can't, lest one of the younger more impressionable members of the congregation be led to think that those extreme views are legitimate views of the church. So I say my piece and then discuss the weather or farming with him if I can. It's a most draining experience for me, but something I have to do.

[Wes Smith]

Scott,

Sorry that no one has responded to your post. Kind of surprising!

Friend,

Wes

[Billy Cox]

Scott,

Sorry that no one has responded to your post. Kind of surprising!

Friend,

Wes

Maybe it's because Matthew 18 was shown early to not be applicable, and we have no backup proof-texts.

I offered the following suggestion, that I think was useful:

Maybe your friend could ask for insight from one of those people with whom the antagonist seems to have affinity. Maybe the person is responding to something in you friend's blindspot. We all have them, and by definition, It is something that we are unaware of. This is where a third party could shed much needed light.

Does that qualify as a response, or does it need a scripture reference?

[Wes Smith]

It was my feeble attempt at humor. Like I had put everyone who had responded on ignore.

So it (the humor) didn't work. There's always next time!

Friend,

Wes

[Gina Stevenson]

It was my feeble attempt at humor. Like I had put everyone who had responded on ignore.

So it (the humor) didn't work. There's always next time!

Friend,

Wes

Oooooooh, OK. Now that you have splained, this situation has been corrected (check your "funny" button above), tho' ~~ as you suggest ~~ when needing 2B "splained," it sort of didn't quite work.

[Billy Cox]

It was my feeble attempt at humor. Like I had put everyone who had responded on ignore.

So it (the humor) didn't work. There's always next time!

Friend,

Wes

Okay, I get it, but if you have to explain it...

[Marsha Lynn]

One hazard of online community is the tendency to reduce other people to the sum total of their political/religious positions

Yes. Maybe we should all discipline ourselves to occasionally put a "thanks" or "laugh" on a post by someone whose views we generally find offensive. I haven't seen anyone around here yet who doesn't slip up now and then and post something I would genuinely appreciate if it came from someone else. It might take a while to find such a post by some participants but maybe if we all work at it ...

[Billy Cox]

Yes. Maybe we should all discipline ourselves to occasionally put a "thanks" or "laugh" on a post by someone whose views we generally find offensive. I haven't seen anyone around here yet who doesn't slip up now and then and post something I would genuinely appreciate if it came from someone else. It might take a while to find such a post by some participants but maybe if we all work at it ...

Yes, this is a good discipline. There are some people who are so ingrained to disagreeing with anything I say, that they have disagreed with me even when I was agreeing with something they said. It could drive me crazy if I didn't have such a well-developed sense of grace and humility.

[Marsha Lynn]

Maybe we should all discipline ourselves to occasionally put a "thanks" or "laugh" on a post by someone whose views we generally find offensive. I haven't seen anyone around here yet who doesn't slip up now and then and post something I would genuinely appreciate if it came from someone else. It might take a while to find such a post by some participants but maybe if we all work at it ...

Yes, this is a good discipline. There are some people who are so ingrained to disagreeing with anything I say, that they have disagreed with me even when I was agreeing with something they said. It could drive me crazy if I didn't have such a well-developed sense of grace and humility.

Practicing what I preach:



(Just kidding. If I were developing a list of candidates for most expendable NazNetter, which I am not, you wouldn't be in the running. )

[John Reilly]

I think we should invoke the grace principle. We ought to apply grace and implement the Mathew 18 formula. As Holiness people let see entire sanctification applied and practiced. We have time to practice just before eternity. We will all live in one Big NAZNET community so we need to learn to respond to each other with grace now. Serenity now!

[Gina Stevenson]

Okay, I get it, but if you have to explain it...

Oooooooh, OK. Now that you have splained, this situation has been corrected (check your "funny" button above), tho' ~~ as you suggest ~~ when needing 2B "splained," it sort of didn't quite work.

Billy! Right after I mentioned how if something needs explaining, you repeated it. What I need to know is if I am on your "ignore" list so that you did not see that that had just been said!?

Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaaahhh. LOL

[David Pettigrew]

Billy! Right after I mentioned how if something needs explaining, you repeated it. What I need to know is if I am on your "ignore" list so that you did not see that that had just been said!?

Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaaahhh. LOL

Forum hosts can't be placed on ignore lists.

[John Kennedy]

I think we should invoke the grace principle. We ought to apply grace and implement the Mathew 18 formula. As Holiness people let see entire sanctification applied and practiced. We have time to practice just before eternity. We will all live in one Big NAZNET community so we need to learn to respond to each other with grace now. Serenity now!

You mean we're gonna' be hangin' out together long term?

[Gina Stevenson]

Forum hosts can't be placed on ignore lists.

Yeah, I just saw a "Thanks" ftom Billy elsewhere. (but did have to ask )

[Billy Cox]

Billy! Right after I mentioned how if something needs explaining, you repeated it. What I need to know is if I am on your "ignore" list so that you did not see that that had just been said!?

Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaaahhh. LOL

Nah, I don't believe in ignore lists.

[David Pettigrew]

Nah, I don't believe in ignore lists.

I guess you could say you...

(takes off sunglasses)

...ignore them.

[Hans Deventer]

Yes. Maybe we should all discipline ourselves to occasionally put a "thanks" or "laugh" on a post by someone whose views we generally find offensive. I haven't seen anyone around here yet who doesn't slip up now and then and post something I would genuinely appreciate if it came from someone else. It might take a while to find such a post by some participants but maybe if we all work at it ...

I practice it. It helps a little, but unfortunately, not enough by far.

[Jim Chabot]

Forum hosts can't be placed on ignore lists.

And just how would you have found that one?

[Dana Grant]

Forum hosts can't be placed on ignore lists.

Really? Because there is one person who occasionally comes to NazNet and I assumed that I was on their ignore or block list. Because whenever people greet this person, I cannot see this person's posts or see what others are responding to. Interesting.

Don't worry, I'm not trying to change this. I really don't have any concern about it. But it does happen. So I am just wondering how someone gets around that "forum hosts can't be placed on ignore lists."

[Kevin Rector]

I'm asking this for someone else who will remain anonymous (as you know, I love you all)...

A forum regular doesn't like you. When they respond to your posts it is always in a negative, unfriendly tone. They seem to get along with most others okay, but you've seen that they are always harsh toward you and a few others. You've tried to address the issue with them, but the response was predictably unproductive.

So, what would you do? (Funny answers may be funny, but they won't help this person, who seriously wants some help - so keep that in mind as you reply.)

So, this is such an important topic that I've been mulling it for several days, and I honestly can't give generic advice. I've been trying to come up with some, but it seems that platitudes will be of little help. But, that's never stopped me before so I'll give it a shot

1. Examine if there be some way in you that is off-putting. Have you always used a negative and unfriendly tone with them? Search your own heart first. Part of this is also recognizing that some of the differences may be cultural - you might speak a different "language" from them (and that's no one's fault).
2. Talk directly to that person in private. Tell them that you've observed that it seems they don't like you much. Ask them if you've done something to offend them. Show them specific examples of responses that you found particularly hurtful, and explain (if you can) why they were hurtful.
3. If the person points out things that you have done to offend them, apologize and tell them that you will work to not do that in the future (at all times take the high road, don't let it devolve to a I'll stop if you stop sort of thing).
4. If the person says that they are sorry and that they will work to solve the problem, thank them and find ways to be a positive force in their life.
5. If they deny that there is a problem, then ignore them on Naznet (by making the conscious decision not to engage them). I think the ignore button is actually not helpful, because using it is an avoidance mechanism that keeps us from having to make the choice to be graceful. It is not healthy to use avoidance techniques, it is however healthy to choose to be graceful.
6. No matter what happens, pray for them daily - it's hard to hate people on your prayer list.
7. Finally, recognize that sometimes in life, there are people that just aren't going to get along for whatever reason, and it's not really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things as long as they don't let themselves get hateful towards each other.